Preparing for tomorrow

So tomorrow is the day of my surgery and I am trying to prepare as much as I can. So first off I will ask everyone how was your Christmas Holiday? I had a great time. It was so nice to be surrounded by love ones. My younger sister made it home on Christmas day to spend with us. It is very nice having her. My WHOLE family is here all together. There are a total of SIX kids. So on Christmas day it was us SIX kids, my two kids, my older sisters four kids, and my parents. The only one we were missing was my other niece! Just my family alone is enough!! We didn't do much on Christmas day since we opened our gifts Christmas eve night. I actually took a nap!

So not it is the night before my surgery and I am antsy. I feel confident in my surgeon BUT what I don't feel confident is in me. I have struggled with self image issues for a very long time and it has been hard trying to accept me for me. I am in a point in my life where I am ok with me. Now that I am having surgery I am afraid of what I will think of myself. Will I nit pick every little bit about my missing self? How am I going to react. I was texting my friend Sam earlier today and I was talking to her about how I was scared. I told her that I was worried about how I will see myself after surgery and she told me "...But you'll still be a beautiful woman and nothing less." But what if I don't see myself like that after surgery? It is a battle that I will face tomorrow. So I pray that I do not change in how I see myself. I pray that I will be able to see me how Sam and everyone else sees me.

I also know that there are many of you wondering if I have heard back about my MRI results. Well here is the thing.....I have my MRI results in BUT I do not know how to read them. No I have not called my Doctor to have them read them to me. Why you ask? Well......let's just say that I am scared of what my test results are. It has not been nice to me in over a month. I feel like each test I do the results before worse then the one before it. So instead of getting my results before my surgery I am just focusing on my surgery. I will ask for my results after my surgery but I do not want to go into surgery if it is bad news. I want to be high spirited and focused to get this cancer out and start healing. So when I am on the mend, after surgery is done, I will ask about my results. Yes, I know kind of strange and odd. Right now the MRI results of not knowing isn't really bothering me. I will get the results and deal with what it says after my surgery.

I want to also share that this past Saturday my dear friend Esha took photos of the boys and I. She showed a sneak peek and I can not wait to see the rest of them!! Esha Hart Photography is her fan page on Facebook. Check her out. So I will leave you all with the picture that she shared on her page. Thank you for praying and keeping me in your thoughts as I travel through my journey to beat the beast out of me.

P.S. Mina if you are reading this I absolutely LOVE my scarf! Thank you so much!!

Rejoice!!

Wow is all I can say!! Thank you everyone for keeping me in your prayers. I can not explain how grateful I am to have all of you in my live and how much of a blessing you all are to me. Today I had my oncology appointment and we were told the results of the MRI of my brain. As many of you know that my results showed that there was nothing on my brain!! Talk about a weight lifted off our shoulders! Oh gosh it is WONDERFUL news!! I am SOOOOOO very happy that there is nothing on my brain!! It was and still is good news.

My Oncologist has brought us hope. It is very nice. Now I have to get a MRI of my spine/lumbar to see if there is cancer on my bones. Please lets pray that it is not there! My surgery is still scheduled for next Friday the 28th. I had my MRI for my spine scheduled on the 27th BUT I just got that changed to tomorrow!! Woohoo! Thank you insurance for approving so quickly and for me checking!!

Please continue to pray. Prayer is amazing and the Lord is hearing our prayers. God is good and is in control!! Thank you everyone for all the prayers and positive thoughts. Love you all. (Yes, short and sweet and good news.)

A little bit of Happiness

I know that all of my posts haven't been the best of news and I don't want you all to think that all my blog is going to have is negativity. That is not the case. I know my mental isn't the best and we haven't received the best news. What can you do about it? take it in stride, stay positive and keep moving forward! I have a positive outlook and I believe. So I want to share some happiness with you and let you all know that I have been able to smile and laugh through this hard time in my life.

First off I want to mention that I am so blessed to have an enormous amount of people behind me. People I have NEVER met in my life but only know through the internet are cheering me on and love me to pieces. So many people are praying for me and sending positive vibes/energy my way. I can not tell you all how thankful I am to have all of you. I do not know how to put into words how much everything you all are doing means to me. I feel like I have a huge hug embracing me every single day. I get so teary eyed because of all of the support I have. Thank you all so very much you all mean the world to me. My family...omg.....I don't even know where to start....this has made us soooo much more close than ever.....we have strength we never knew we had and we KNOW that we will make it through this.

Okay so enough of my sappiness let me share some happiness with you all. Yes this is going to be picture overload!

Ok so here we go.....Dec 15th is the day my friends and I celebrated my 29th birthday. Michael and Heather S put it all together and it was perfect. Monica, Jason, Alex, Heather F, Sallie, Josh, Michael and I we all went out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant called El Charro and it was good. Before that Michael, Josh and I walked the super mall to kill some time and I saw Rainbow Brights Horse! So cuddly, soft and brought memories back! Oh and I added my hair process lol! I felt BEAUTIFUL that day and that is pretty rare for me to feel but I did.

So after dinner we headed of to Heather S and her Hubby Mike's house to let the celebration continue of course! She had balloons up and some munchies and wine. We played some board games which is always fun....at least to me anyways! We played apples to apples (I need to get this game!) and we TRIED to play cranium but that ended real quick. So we did dance revolution or something like that on the kinect. It was fun!! Yes I did make a fool out of myself with my NON dancing skills and of course Heather beat me with all her years of dance! Nonetheless it was so much fun!!

We had wine and I tried a new kind and it was super yummy. Looks like it'll be a long time before I can enjoy another glass but I can wait! That night was so perfect. We had so many laughs. I seriously laughed til my abs hurt and OMG I can't remember when I laugh so much and that hard. It was so very fun and amazing.

Oh did I mention that I got a ICE CREAM cake from DQ?!?!?! Well I did! It was AMAZINGLY GOOD!! I love ice cream cake from dairy queen! I munched and drank a few glasses of wine. I am VERY new to wine drinking but I do like to find other sweet wines to give a try to add to my love of moscato! I think the wine I tried that night was called Sweet Red and it was yummy goodness!! I think i have 3 or 4 glasses before I had to stop myself lol. I didn't want to get super drunk or anything.

So these next couple of collages that you see here are just photos I took with my phone from my party. I want to say that everyone had a great time and I hope that they did. There was tons of laughs that is for sure. It was really nice being around so many people who care and love me!

Oh and during the night I left my phone on the game table to go to the bathroom and get another glass of wine and Heather got a hold of my phone! You will see her with the faces she made. Oh and she made one of her pictures my phone background photo. Oh Heather the photo is still the background of my phone. It makes me laugh every time I see it.

So another cool thing too about this night is you see that breast cancer ribbon ornament on the Christmas Tree? Well Heather and her Husband Mike do not know how they got that ornament. It was just there just like the bracelet she gave to me. It is very crazy and cool and I just cant think of all the words but I think it is amazingly awesome!

So another thing that we did was we went Geocaching (I hope I spelled that right). I have heard of it and I have wanted to do it with the boys. If you don't know what it is it is like treasure hunting. There is a site where they log in the geos and you follow and find with a gps app on your phone. It sounds awesome. There was one very close to Heather's house so we went! It was pretty neat. This one was a log of who all went and found it. We wrote 12/15/12-Jackie's bday Holla! lol. I want to go find more now! It was fun!

So here are all the gifts that I have received! I got a Keurig!! Woot woot! I have wanted one FOREVER and I FINALLY have one. So I got the Keurig Machine from Michael and Josh, The Carousel and pretty ceramic coffee cup from Heather and her Hubster, I got the my coffee k cup and so vue cups from Alex and Heather F, I got a sweat set from Sallie and I need to add another photo. Grrr....I swear I took the photo but I cant seem to find it. But from Monica I received a SUPER soft blanket that is red and says love all over it with Hearts between each Love, 2 skeins of SUPER SOFT yarn, a bag of Ghiradrelli chocolates, and some spa bath and face stuff! This was all from my party I had on Saturday. My mom, dad, and sisters got me that nice soft and fluffy Black jacket! Michael's aunt got me that beautiful pink scarf that I wear everyday, my cousin made me that Breast Cancer blanket. Michael got me my green leather planner with the matching journal and this has helped me keep track of my appointments. I also was nominated and received a lucky elephant bracelet! I purchased those rose flowers and they have breast cancer ribbons hanging from them! I also want to mention that a group of my crochet ladies also send me gifts as well!! I was very surprised and just overjoyed! Love you ladies!

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeee there has been happiness through all this mess!!! I love you all and I love everything you all are doing for me! Mom, Dad, Brother, Sisters, Michael- Thank you for being my rocks!! Family and Friends all over THANK you for lifting me up and helping me smile through this rough time! We WILL make it through this!! I will do EVERYTHING I can in my power!!

I love you all!! Thank you!

PET Scan: The results

Please excuse the tears. I tried my best to keep it together.

PET Scan

Yesterday I had my PET Scan done. Nothing to big really. I mean all they were doing was checking to see that the cancer hasn't spread or anything like that lol. My appointment was at 9:45am and I was there on time! I got called back into the inject/prep room. They did a finger prick and tested my blood sugar and it came back 83. The nurse told me that was perfect! My dad went with me and OMG he talked and talked and talked lol. He was actually funny!

So the nurse leaves the room to go get my radioactive sugar! Oh ya!! She comes in carrying a HEAVY Lead box. In that box is the radioactive sugar. Holey moley kind of freaky. She than pulls out the radioactive syringe and that has a lead case around it as well!!! It was very weird but of course all the lead is for protection! I didn't feel it going in but I did feel the saline and I just hate that feeling!

She left me to be for 45 mins and those were some LONG BORING minutes. I couldn't talk or move much. I had to relax as the sugar circulated my body. So I just surfed the net on my phone. I was bored! I was wrapped up in blankets too....and bored.

The test was once again do not move. I did my best to not move and with my arms up above my head. My arms went numb blah!! Well I did my best to not move but I guess I twitched my nose not knowing. At the end I had to get my head re-scanned.

I was released to go and eat and boy was I hungry!! I ate so much!! The diet was no fun at all. I was starving! The above picture is what I left of my meal. I was overly stuffed!!

Oh ya I won't hear my results til Monday when I have my surgery consultation. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

Holey Crap Loaded with Appointments

That is right! I am getting loaded up with appointments. Last week the only appointment that I had for myself this week was my radiation consultation. Since Monday that has all changed! I had two appointments for the boys this week but I also got scheduled for a PET Scan tomorrow (Friday). This scan is to see if the cancer has gone anywhere else in my body. I am on a diet today and OMG it sucks. No carbs or sugars so I am very limited to what I can eat. I can have tons of veggies and meats as far as I know, oh and lots of water.

Next week I have FOUR appointments!! AHHHHH!!! Monday, my birthday, I have TWO appointments. One is with a plastic surgeon and the second is with my surgeon who will be performing my mastectomy. So this is kind of a big ordeal. My surgeon Dr. Cho called me and we talked about all the possibilities  Of course my insurance wouldn't have any In network plastic surgeons who work at Valley Medical. the hospital I'll be having my mastectomy done at. I could go with them but I would have to pay 50%. If I pick a doctor in network I don't pay anything, the insurance covers 100%. So I did find someone in network. So here is what my surgeon told me. I could have a new surgeon do my mastectomy; mind you one who hasn't been in the know since my diagnosis; and I could have the plastic surgery done as soon as the mastectomy is done with OR there is another option. The second option is that I can go with Dr. Cho and have my mastectomy and wait at a later date to get my reconstruction. As far as I am concerned I love my team of doctors I have. I feel very confident in them. I do not want to deal with a new surgeon who I do not feel comfortable with. So I will be one boob jack for a year :( it makes me sad but I think this will be the best in the end. The best cosmetic results have been after treatment is done. I will have a silicon implant (insert) to wear under my shirts so on the outside I will look normal but of course I will not be underneath. So I am going to go with Dr. Cho for my surgery, I just feel confident and comfortable with her since she has been there and she of course was the one to give me my diagnosis. I know I may have some physiological issues to deal with but that is why I have my therapist.

If my scan comes back negative for cancer being spread elsewhere we have my surgery scheduled!! Yes it is exciting BUT it is also nerve wrecking at the same time! My date as it stands right now is 28 December 2012. That is in TWO Weeks!!Am I prepared? AHHHH NO and I mean that as a BIG NO!! I want to get my treatment started so lets all pray that my scan comes back negative for cancer spread! I do not want to have to deal with that on top of everything else. I need good vibes, all kinds of positive things sent my way!!

So I have my surgery consultation on Monday along with my plastic surgery consultation too. Thursday I go back to see my oncologist and my Therapy session is later on that day as well. AHHHHH.......all these appointments! Its getting closer and closer to my journey! Excitement and nerves are rolling high today. I am excited but sad and that is fine!! I can be both! Anticipation at its finest! Well this is my update so far!!

Think positive thoughts, send positive vibes and positive prayers that Breast Cancer is the only thing I have to deal with. Pray that it didn't spread elsewhere. Thanks everyone.


XOXOXO,
Me

2 out of 3 scheduled!!

So far I feel better today than I did yesterday minus the little bit of pain I am experiencing right now. I have my PET scan scheduled on Friday to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else and my surgery consultation is scheduled for Monday. I am waiting for a call back with my appointment to talk to the plastic surgeon about reconstruction surgery of course! So I have 2 out of 3 appointments already made! Today I feel like things are moving forward. I feel good today. Just more of the waiting game but if I am patient things will happen.

So my friend Gretchen sent me a link to her friends blog post who is also going through chemo and has breast cancer and the same age as I am (29). I have been reading it and it is really good. Positive attitude and vibe she has while going through all of this and she is very real. As I was reading her friends blog I came about her Chemo Shopping List and was reading through it. Looks like I have some shopping to do!! Check it out. Read her story. I am not a beautiful writer like she is but I will be writing my story as I go through my journey. I am envious that she does not have to go through surgery like me. But it is still very sad that someone as young as me is dealing with all of this.

Well I am off to clean and study for a final (just encase they deny my medical withdrawal). I have both my boys back home and I was able to sleep a little bit better. I love those buggers!! I hope you all are having a fantastic day!


 LOVE,
 ME

I'm scared

I am not going to lie but I am absolutely scared. This whole breast cancer is just getting real and real each time. I know I have it I know I have to have treatment but I am not sure I have let it all sink in yet. It is sinking in little by little and I am so scared!! I know it is going to be a fight and I will come out winning but by golly am I really ready? How can I be ready? I don't feel prepared at all! What can I do to be prepared? How does one prepare to fight a battle like this? I don't have the slightest clue at all. I don't even know where to start to be honest. I am still positive but these thoughts do cross my mind. I am 100% sure that I will be coming out on top of this battler. I will have my victory but am I really ready for this fight? Do I feel ready? No, I don't feel ready at all.

Anyways...... I got the call with the biopsy results and cancer is in the arm pit as well. So my surgery will be the whole breast and the arm pit lymph nodes. I will be scheduled for a full body scan to make sure that the cancer has not spread to any other organ in my body. The bone scan came back negative so YAY no cancer in the bones. The doctor said that if it spread it would spread to the liver and than to the brain. Ya, so many thoughts going through my head. To many to be honest. All I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. I don't want this cancer to be any where else in my body. Isn't it enough that its in my breast and its taking that away?!?! Why would it want to invade other parts? If only it could speak back, huh?

Tomorrow I should be getting a call back with three appointments. One appointment will be the body scan, another with the surgeon and the third with a plastic surgeon to talk about reconstruction. So many ways of treatment are possible BUT we won't know the course 100% until ALL test procedures are done. I am still waiting on the genetic testing to see if the gene is in me or not. So not only will I have to wait for that but also this body scan. BLAH!!! I am already exhausted thinking of all of this.

I just wanted to give you the news I received. I am scared.

LONG WEEK!

All I can say is that I am glad the weekend is finally here!! This last week was just sooooo long and exhausting for me with all the appointments I had. I will try to make this post sweet and short but no promises. So here we go.......

Monday- It was a very hard day for me. I made a big decision that tore me but I had to do it. I decided to do a medical withdrawal from all my classes. Yes a week out from my finals. Why did I do a medical withdrawal? Well there was only one class I was doing good in and that is were all my focus was at. My two other classes got put on the back burners and I wasn't doing so well. What made me decide to do a medical withdrawal was when I was trying to do a test. I could not focus at all. No matter what I tried I could no focus on the test. I got up and left the testing center only finishing what I could on the test. I knew it wasn't fair to me to try to continue and be happy with the grades I received. I knew that I deserved better grades under different circumstances. I did my best to try and finish out this quarter with good grades but it just wasn't working. I cried over this and in the end I know I made the right decision. Some people may think I could of completed or some may not understand why or some may think I have failed. I did something I needed to do and it was the hardest thing. No I did not waste 3 months for nothing. One person doesn't know how they would do a certain thing unless they are in my shoes and going through the same thing. Everyone handles things differently and no two people handle things the same way. This was the best decision for me.

Tuesday- In anatomy class we did an eyeball dissection and that was fun. I had my Bone scan that day as well. It was very long and exhausting! I had to check in at 1 pm to get contrast out in me and than I had to go back at 4pm to do the scan. Well, my sister and I go lost on the way to Tacoma General and we were a little late. After the contrast was put in we went to the mall for a little bit and met up with my Friend Sam. We had lunch and headed back to the hospital. The bone scan was way better than the MRI, not as scary. I had to lay still on this bed and not move a muscle. You know how are it is to lay still, be calm and breathe normal? LOL, it was hard for me. I ended up taking a nap during the scan. Go the scan done and didn't get home til 6pm that night. The boys grandparents from out of town got here around 8pm or so. Jamison had passed out early so I just took CJ and dropped him off at the motel that they are staying at.

Wednesday- was a regular normal day. I went to classes and that was it no appointments.

Thursday- BIOPSY Day!! Ya not so exciting. My mom went with me and I am glad that she did. The biopsy on my lymph nodes in my armpit HURT!! I cried!! It was so, so, so, so painful. I could feel almost everything. The pain was to the breaking point of passing out. I usually do well with biopsy's but this one really hurt so bad. My stomach went in knots and I started to over-heat and was getting cold. Not good. I was so glad when it was all over. I was very sore (I still am sore today). This day was very interesting day. Before my biopsy I experienced something pretty awesome. I was sleeping and my sisters were up getting ready for school. My feet where sticking outside of my blankets and they got tickled. I kicked away or tried to kick away whoever was tickling me and I moved my feet. Well, my feet got tickled a second time!! So I stuck my feet inside my blankets. At this time I thought it was my mother or my sisters messing with me but the thing is I didn't hear my bedroom door open or close. Than after my feet went into my blanket I felt a depression next to me on the bed. I thought it was the cat but I knew that the cat wasn't in my room. I rolled over to where the I felt the depression was and there was nothing. I wasn't scared at all. So I got up and go ready. I told me therapist about this and she had an interesting view on it. Many of my friends and family believe it is my angel watching over me and I agree. My therapist believes that I was being told that I was not being forgotten and that all prayers are being heard that during this time of difficulty I will be able to laugh, have fun and enjoy life. :)

Friday- I had my heart scan done. I had to go back to Tacoma General to get this test done. I went in and they put and IV in and took some blood. They made my blood radioactive but some saline in and my blood back into my body. But the feeling of having saline and blood put back into your veins is just so weird! I could feel it! Once everything was in I had to shake my arm to get rid of the weird feeling!! I had to lay still once again and breathe normal. I fell asleep again so my heart rate was as normal as can be!

Saturday- I went to go watch my sons last soccer game. It was fun of course. He did hurt himself but after his tears where done with and encouragement given he went back onto the field. He received a trophy, a medal and an award. He was super happy!! His grandparents, me and his brother went to go eat some pizza after the game. I ended up leaving them to go do my normal Saturday thing. I went home talked to my family and waited for Michael to come. Michael came and we went Christmas shopping. That was pretty fun but I had to stop before I made myself flat broke, lol! We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and I enjoyed some wine. I sent a text message to my friend Heather and we met up with her and her hubby for some drinks. It was so fun! Lots of laughs and fun. So overall yesterday was a great day and a very much needed one.

As far as today goes I am going to try to take it easy! It is very cold outside......brrrrr......I will eventually go down the hill and go see my boys. Yes, I can not be away from my boys for long without missing them. I do not know how I am going to do it when they leave for the summer to visit their dad. But Sorry for the long post. I will try to be a little bit better about that. This coming week I have a bunch of appointments to go and do BUT thank goodness they are not all for me!! Well I hope you all had a good week and a great weekend so far.

Oncology Consult Information

I did a video because it was to long to write. I hope this works. If you have questions please ask. If I said some wrong on here and know correct let me know or if you have any information to share. Thanks.

Just writing out loud

I am sitting here at the dinner table suppose to be doing math and anatomy homework but of course my mind is wondering; go figure, huh? There is just so much going on in my head. My quarter will be done in two weeks and I am afraid that I won't be able to pass two out of the three classes. Yes, this diagnosis has gotten in the way of my learning and I am upset that I let it. For all of you that do not know I am going to college to become a Nurse. I have one quarter left of prerequisites before I can apply for the Nursing program.

Here is the issue: I don't know how extensive my treatments are going to be. Yes, I know that my breast is getting removed but the question that is still lingering is did the cancer spread to my armpit? A part of me wants to still go forth with my winter quarter and do all three classes I am signed up to do just to prove to people that I can do it while being "sick". Then there is another part of me that is telling me to just wait and not do the winter quarter. So I am in a battle with myself as to what to do with winter quarter. I have been on the go with college for a whole year and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have classes to attend too BUT I also don't want to have all these classes and it turns out to be that its to much stress for me at the time.

I have my oncology appointment on Friday, but (YES another but, lol) the consultation won't be 100% because we don't have the biopsy result of the armpit. So should I wait it out and not do winter quarter or do I just think that I am going to do winter quarter as if I was still healthy and not "sick"? Or do I plan on just taking winter quarter off with thinking that I am going to have to go through chemo and radiation therapy? This is such a hard battle for me just because I am a person who LOVES to prove people wrong when they think I can't do/achieve things when I have huge obstacles in my life. Sitting here not knowing what to do with school is kind of heart breaking because I have been working my butt off hard for this past year. I mean I really can't rely 100% on what the treatment will be when we talk to the oncologist because we won't have the biopsy results.

I guess I will just wait until I know what my whole treatment plan will me. I don't want to stress my body out when it comes to treatment and I am trying to not worry about the unknown future. Ok vent/rant/ or whatever you want to call it, over with. Thanks for listening.

Results!!!

The results are IN!!! Yes, they are in! I knew who was calling when my phone rang. So are you wanting to know the results? Are you sure now? Should I hold off a bit more and maybe blog about it later?!?!?! Hmmmm.........ok, ok! I better just tell you all before one of my friends come to my house and strangle the news out of me. Drum Roll Please ...................... They will be Taking my BOOB!!! I repeat they will be taking the boob, nipple and all, lol. Yes I am serious they are going to take the breast. They saw that my right breast was fine, thank goodness. They noticed that my lymph nodes in my arm pits are larger than normal. The Dr. said that when Breast Cancer spreads it spreads in the armpit and that shows up as large lymph nodes. So THIS LADY (ME) has to go in for ANOTHER biopsy, lets see what number is that, ahhhhhh.....the 4th biopsy I believe. So I need to get that biopsy done to see if the cancer has spread. I won't get to hear about an appointment for the armpit biopsy til MAYBE Wednesday when the radiologist is there to view the MRI images.

The Dr. is very concerned about my nipple portion. They were not able to biopsy the nipple. So the Dr aka Surgeon will be taking my breast AND my nipple!! How dare she take me nipple, lol. Yes I am having fun with this. Its a way for me to handle all of this. On the plus side I can get a new bewb!! Woot woot!! So a lumpectomy is out of the question because more than 50% of my breast tissue will be take and she wouldn't leave the nipple either. I figured it would either be a lumpectomy or a mastectomy that would happen. Am I surprised about the results for the mastectomy? No, I am not. Just by feeling the lumps I figured that that would have to have happened. I would rather them take the whole breast if it means that the cancer is gone. Now I just need to know if the cancer spread to the lymph nodes or not.

So on Friday I have my Oncology appointment with a NEW Dr. My mom will go there with me so all the information won't go in one ear and out the other. So we will have questions of course. He will tell us the course of action for treatment. I do not know what stage the cancer is but I do know that my breast will be removed. I will be one boobed Jack! LOL!! I am sorry but I am happy that I have Breast Cancer of all cancers out there. I have to be happy because there is no other way to be. I know my outlook may sound weird but I am grabbing this Cancer Beast by the horns and riding it out of my body!! One way or another it will be out of me!! I would rather lose the boob than my life or anything else. I know that I will have more psychological issues but I rather it be that than anything else. My psychological issues would be due to the boob being gone but I will find a way to get my boob back lol.

But they are taking my boob. At least I know that is one course of my treatment. Friday I will know more information about Chemo and radiation therapy. Oh and on a Side note to people out there...... I AM NOT DYING!! I just have Breast Cancer! Yes, it's serious but that doesn't make me on my death bed. My family and friend are the best! I have THEE BEST PEOPLE in my life!! The band and support of family, friends and strangers is just amazing.

I will let you all know more once Friday comes around and of course I will blog before that.

Happy Monday!!

MRI

I know a lot of you have been waiting to hear back from me. I just got back in the house. I had to go take a test before the testing center closed. So we shall start from this morning.

First off I am dealing with a sick baby here, my Jamison. He was up and down all night. I didn't get much rest because my baby was not comfortable at all last night. He finally had a good sleep at around 5 am. I got up I don't even know what time. I got ready, dropped CJ off at school and I headed to school. LOL yes I went to school for about an hour and 20 min. My sister called to see if I had left her but I didn't  I rushed home. While I was in class I could not concentrate. I was absolutely scared. It is seriously hitting me. I mean I know I have breast cancer but it is hitting me of all all the appointments I will have in my near future and everything. Its just hitting me. I am still high spirited and that wont ever change. So it was pretty much a roller coaster while I was in class. It was hard to fight tears but I did manage it.

Now I come home to meet my sister and two nieces because they are going with me. My mom told us that she will be meeting us. We get to the imaging place and I feel out paper work and wait til my name is called. They call my name and my mom is still not there. I go and get in my gown and hospital pants get a lecture about whats going to happen and go to the prepping area. They give me an IV and I am waiting there. I asked if my mom could come back with me and they told me that she could. They go and get her but she's not there so I told them to go get my sister than if my mom isn't there yet. I head back to the MRI room and I get prepared. I have to lay on my belly and not move! The test takes 25 mins. I can't move at all. So before the test starts they let me know that my mom is in the room with me. Boy was I a bit relieved.

So the first round of testing starts. Let me tell you the most terrifying ever only because these images will let me know if the cancer has spread and what not. I am trying not to cry and once again I don't cry but it was so hard. I tried not to think about anything. It was SOOOOOO loud. Than my arm goes numb, and that is not the fun at all!!! My other arm starts to shake and that was very hard to calm myself down enough for it to stop shaking.

The second round is with contrast. I can feel it go up may arm. My whole arm turns cold and once again my other arm starts to shake. Once again I'm controlling my breathing and talking to myself in my head. All along I have music going and they are telling me how many minutes each image is going to take. By the end of the whole process my nerves where just wrecked. My arm was dumb and I was just tired. 25mins of not moving and having so many thoughts go through my head was not fun at all. The radiologist will read the images tonight and I should hear back from the Doctor on Monday. I am not sure which Doctor I will hear from, lol. And apparently I am suppose to have a follow up with the Doctor but once again not sure who. So I am glad that my MRI is done. Now I am just scared to find out what the MRI shows. How far is it? How extensive is the therapy going to be? So many questions are going through my head. Not only do I have all these questions going through my head I only have 3weeks left of this quarter to do. AHHHHHH!!!

Well that is all. Sorry for the long story. I am still feeling anxious about everything. And I'm scared.

Yayness!!!

LOL yes you read the title right. No you are not going crazy!! I am super excited and happy!! This morning didn't sound to promising to me. Both of the boys woke up not feeling well; one with a bad cough and the other with a warm temp. They are better now though. They stood home and I went to one class today because I left them with my sick sister.

So this morning before I headed to class I checked on the status of my authorization and it wasn't approved yet. I was a little sad. Than when I was in Anatomy class I checked online with my phone to see what the status was. I saw that it was APPROVED!!! I was so happy and very excited. I really wish I was around anyone who was just as excited as I was but I was in class. I am so eager to get this treatment started. I am prepared as I can be. I have to much in my future that needs to be accomplished and this isnt going to hold me back. This is just another obstacle and stepping stone that I will over come. Another chapter to put into my book with all my past chapters. I am ready to start this process and I am the luckiest person to have so many people who are so supportive and who are going to be with me each and every step!!

So my MRI is Wednesday at 12:10 yes that does mean that I am leaving my anatomy class early and missing out on my psychology and math class again. I am sorry but my health is very important to me so it has to be done!! I am ready to start. More ready than I ever will be. So that is the update!!

I am Happy!!

Sorry if you read this before and it was all coded weird. I did not mean for it to do that. I also shortened it as well because I forgot what I wrote and I could figure it out again.

The Waiting Game

It is Sunday and I am patiently waiting for Monday to arrive. I was suppose to call Friday to set up my appointment for my MRI but that didn't happen. It didn't happened not because I didn't call, I called them 3 times. It didn't happen because they are waiting for Authorization from the insurance. I gave them 2 calls in the morning before I headed of to my classes and they couldn't do anything, so I went to my classes and hoped that I would hear something from them by the time I got home. Of course I heard nothing so I gave them a call. They were still waiting for the authorization. It was getting closer to 4pm and called again and by this time they kind of knew who I was. I was known as the one who needs the MRI of her breast done. Still no Auth. By this point I'm anxious and getting a bit frustrated so I called my Doctors office and was told they sent in the Auth to the insurance company. I called the insurance company and was told that my Auth was pending so I asked them what they needed. I got the information about what they needed for them to approve it. I called my doctors office back and told them. Then this is when the all the phone calls started going on. Since I had the surgeon diagnose me with the Breast Cancer I had to get a hold of their office but I still needed my doctor to send in the physical examination. Of course they wanted to try to argue with me saying that they didn't need to send in anything that they sent in the request. Little did they know that 1. I use to work in the medical field myself and send in auth forms to insurance companies and 2. that I use to work for tricare care. I told her that I understood that I need to get the paper work from the other doctor but because MY doctor was the one that sent me in for the mammogram and the ultrasound that I needed that initial physical exam which sent me to everywhere. So hopefully they sent it. Thank I called the surgeons office and was told that they couldn't just send the insurance company my records that they needed the insurance company to fax them of something saying what they needed. Well if the auth was pending apparently they set the fax to the office. So I am also hoping that the lady in Medical Records called the insurance company like I asked her too. All of this calling and talking was very exhausting! So as of right now I am still waiting for Authorization for the MRI.

I am continuing to live a normal life. I did my every Saturday thing. I went to my CJs soccer game with Michael and my parents and than we went out to lunch. Later on we went to the Movies to watching Breaking Dawn part 2. It was very good. I did talk about the breast cancer and had a few laughs. I was doing fine until the end of the night driving back home from the movies. In the dark I started to cry. Sometimes everything just comes rushing to me and there isn't much that I can do but just cry. To much to try to explain why I cry but I know that my body needs the release of the tear so I don't hold the tears back. Everyone is just as anxious and just as frustrated that I still don't have my appointment scheduled for the MRI. It is now just the waiting game and I really do hope that they kick into gear here tomorrow.

I am very blessed to have so many people sending prayers my way. It has helped me get through my days and has helped me stay strong and stay together. I know that it is ok to break down and it does happen. We shall see how today goes. Sundays are my homework days and I do already have all my homework laid out and ready to go. So Happy Sunday everyone!

The Day After

Day 1: This morning I woke up before my alarm clock even went off. I was up at 6am and the first thing I did was cry. I cried for an hour. The tears just didn't stop. Apparently it was something that needed to be done because I couldn't control my tears. Good thing the boys were still sleeping and I didn't have to answer to my 5yr old as to why I was crying. It is an emotional roller coaster and I am trying my hardest not to think of it. I know that there are many people who are wanted to know what the course of treatment will be. I do not know the course of treatment. Once I find out I promise I will let everyone know. I will not leave you all in the dark. I need your support to help me get through this. I am not one to ask for help but I know with this I can't do it on my own.

When I woke up I checked my facebook (what am I to do in the dark, lol) and I had SOOO many posts. All of the prayers, love, positive energy and thoughts are so good. I honestly think that is what is holding me together and not crumbling on the floor. There is so much love being send my way it is absolutely amazing. I have a great group of friends and family. I have strangers I don't even know praying for me, a stranger as well to them. Positive words and love coming from them as well. While I was up this morning I did ask the question "why me?" would you like to know my own answer to my question? I answered back to myself "why not you? You can do this. You can beat it. Its not going to be an easy battle but YOU can do this." I do believe with everything in me that I can and I will beat this cancer that has taken place on my left breast by my heart. I hope that the Cancer feels suffocated with how huge my heart as grown overnight from all the love and support from everywhere! Cancer you are not welcomed here. You are never welcomed in anyone at all. Boy oh boy this cancer sure did pick the wrong person. Wouldn't you think that this cancer would know that we do not deal with this and will beat it to all hell?(sorry for the language)

My hooker friends (no not real hookers, crocheters) have posted on their pages about me. I am just so speechless that these ladies that I have come to known and love and never met in my life are sooo supportive. So many people have already come together for me. I am just so humbled. I can not put into words how Thankful I am for all the prayers from everyone. I have an amazing support system with my family and now all of you! I am beyond blessed.

Thank you all so much for the prayers, love and positive energy and thoughts coming my way. I will be blogging more often on this journey of Battling Breast Cancer. So I will let you all know as well as blog about it. Thank you so much for Prayer for a Stranger who is a Mother, Daughter, Sister, and a Cousin to so many. My family and I truly appreciate it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Breast Cancer

I honestly do not know how to start this blog out. I have no way of making what I have to say "pretty". Today, 15 Nov 2012 at 4:06 pm I got a phone from my Doctor with the result of my biopsy. I was told that I have Breast Cancer. Yes, I have breast cancer at the age of 28. It is still shocking to me. I cried but every time I see or hear or write Breast Cancer I get all teary eyed and I want to break down. I did my crying and I called the family to let them know. I had just got down with my therapy session and I picked up my boys from where my sisters where at. We were in the car leaving the high school and we were singing "shine bright like a diamond" and my phone rang. It was the Doctors office. She let me know that they got the results back. She could tell that I was driving and she asked me if this was a good time to talk. When she said that I knew something was not right with my results. So as I put my ear phone in my ear I was ready to hear what she had to tell me. That's when she told me that the results came back with me having breast cancer. I could not break down and cry because I was driving with my boys in the car. What more could I do but tell her Thank you for letting me know. She was amazed at how upbeat I was. I can't let this get me down. Yes it absolutely sucks that I have breast cancer. I don't want it. She kept apologizing to me about the results. I told her it was alright because at least what know what it is and we can figure out the treatments now. I am still so baffled that this is happening to ME!! I have Breast Cancer! It hasn't really sunken in. I have so much to look forward to. So no I am not going to let this beat me. If it does beat me made it is sure going to have one Hell of a Fight. I will not let this defeat me! There is a reason why this is happening to me. I feel like this wouldn't have been handed to me if I wasn't able to handle it. I am not sure how far it is but once I have my MRI done we will now. From there we will do our treatment plan.

I can say that I have the best support group of family and friends behind me. I know that they will be there helping me along this journey. PLEASE, PLEASE check your breasts. This includes you males as well. This all happened with just a cut on my nipple back in April that never healed and it started to hurt me very badly and than I felt a lump. If you have a history of breast cancer in your family please do your monthly self examines. You are probably saying this won't happen to me, it can't. Let me tell ya Breast Cancer or any cancer doesn't discriminate.

I will do my best to blog my journey of this breast cancer beat down. I just wanted to put into words everything. Yes I know it isn't much but I just don't have words to say. I am shocked that this is happening to me. I am not even going to question why. I am just glad that it is found and we can treat it. Depending on the treatment I have to go through will determine if I will continue onto winter quarter.

I am off to bed or going to try to go to sleep. Talk to you all later.

MARCH!?!?! OMG!

Wow!! I can not believe that it's MARCH already!! Where the heck has the time gone?? Well I have been busy non stop! If you don't know already I started college. I am super excited about starting this path. I am already signed up for SPRING Quarter!! EEEKKKK!!!! Yes I am on my way. I am headed towards my goal for the FIRST time in almost FIVE years!! Wow! I can't believe that it is taking a DIVORCE to push me forward to my dream. So we have been pretty much busy with school and homework and family of course.

The beginning of the year started out rough and its slowly getting better. I do still have my bitter and anger towards Chuck and I want to wish him the worst in life. Yes I know that is horrible but O feel like he is actually having the easy way out of things. I am just so tired of being so angry at him for the situation that he put me in. DON'T get me wrong my life is hard right now but I am enjoying it. I really wish I could enjoy it so much more to its full potential. Its like my heart isn't completely light of the whole situation. It's still a little bit heavy. I want to tell him what I REALLY think about him and how I see him as a human being and a "father" BUT I can't. As much as that would make me feel good inside it just isn't write. So to fix that problem I will be getting a book to write this stuff out too. I am tired of wasting my time on someone who could so easily give up on a family! He is not worth my time. I have so much I would love to say about him and his parenting ways that I wont. The way he thinks is right is wrong. I am seriously scared to send my boys to him this summer for a few weeks. But anyways I am done with him taking up so much of my happiness! I NEED to enjoy my LIFE!

I have been stressing but that does come with what I am dealing with. CJ is amazingly smart as can be. Jamison is just growing like a weed! They change so much its crazy! I don't know what I would do without them. They are my life line and they keep me going! I am happy with my life. I look forward to my future with my Children. I want to just be 100% happy. I want my heart to heal back to 100%. I know its not healed because its still heavy! I don't like having a heavy heart at all!!

I have also noticed that those who are proud of me over here about me serving in the Military (reserves) and love to tell everyone about it I am hating it :( I know I shouldn't. I know I should be proud that I was in the Military Reserves and that I did go over seas and serve my country. With being married to TWO active duty members it made  me feel like my service was much more less than their service. Like what I did wasn't and can't be put up at the same level as what they did/doing. So when my family and friends mention my military service I get upset because I don't feel like what I did was good enough just because of what I mentioned about. Before I was very proud of being in the military and doing what I did. Now not so much. It sucks! LOL. One day I will get back to being proud of what I did.

Well I know this post was all over the place but just wanted to update you all.