Friday, December 30, 2011

Closing this book 2007-2011

The New Year is in 2 days and I am ready to close this book of my life. I don't know how this is going to end, the blog, but if you have nothing nice to say then just close the web page down now. I am going to write from my heart and say what I feel. I won't be sugar coating anything, that's just not me. I am going to write pure, raw honesty. If you can't handle what will be said then I ask that you just stop reading.

So onto my post. I am done with this "season" of my life. I am ready to close the book and start a new one with just my boys and I. I was married 4yrs 1 month and 6 days before he called it quits. Does it hurt? Yes it hurts very bad! Am I over it 100%? Absolutely not! Do I think that his decision to call it quits so quickly and without trying to fix it was insane? You bet your ass I do. Was the marriage as horrible as he made it to be? No!! Did we have our rough times and our good times? Yes! Isn't a marriage something that has to be worked at at all times? YES, well at least to me. You have to work on it together! Why did he leave? I don't know, because I didn't make him "happy" the way he wanted. How was I suppose to make him "happy" the way he wanted when he NEVER told me how too? Hmm did you think about that Chuck? Probably NOT! Anyways it doesn't matter now the damage is done and it can't be fixed.

From this marriage I have learned a lot. I have learned that I need to find someone who is strong enough to be with me. I am blunt and forward, that's just me. If you can't deal with that then you don't deserve me. I am a wonderful mother and person but yes I do have my feisty side. Who doesn't? I need someone who will put in their 50% into everything. I have loved with all my heart and my heart was beyond broken when he left. Did I think he was strong enough to pull through the toughest of times? Yes I did, but I was so wrong and was so shocked when he told me he was done. 

I don't think he realized what his actions did to his two children. Two young children who don't understand whats going on. They try to but really don't understand. I love my children with all my heart and boy does it hurt to have to see them go through the heart break that I went through. I don't want my children to EVER have to go through this. I didn't even want them to go through this or to feel this pain. They are just to young. I hurt for us all. I hurt even more for my children because they can't fully understand right now. Will they find out? Of course they will. Will they understand then? I don't have a clue. I hope that they will know that this decisions that their father made was not because of them. I honestly think his decision was selfish, but who am I to think such things?

Will their fathers decision to have left his family affect the boys in the future? Yes it will. Will his choices to call twice a month to talk to his children affect them as well? Yes it will. I am not trying to bad mouth him at all and I am sure its looking like that. Like I said I am not going to sugar coat and try to make this pretty. I am doing this straight up raw. Please forgive me if you think I am bad mouthing him, I am not I still love the dumb ass! Anyways....the boys will take notice of everything. Chuck doesn't even know the baby, that's pretty sad to me. I just hope and pray that I can raise my boys to be the best they can be.

I don't talk bad about their father to them. I won't ever. I don't agree with his decision on leaving us but it is what it is and there was nothing that I could of done to change his mind. It was made up and set and there was no moving his decision either way. After all the pain that he is putting the boys and I through I still love him. Call me dumb or what not. I know that my love for him will dissolve and it'll take time. I just don't have that on and off love switch that he apparently has.

I am slowly handling this better day by day and with the help of a therapist. My children are doing great. I have learned from my therapist how to handle them as well. If you would of asked me June 10, 2011 when I found out the news that he was leaving where I would be today? I would of NEVER imagined that I would of been here where I am right now!! I have turned this tragedy into something amazing even with my broken shattered heart. I am proud of the turn around that I have done. 

Am I damaged? You bet I am. I am also sour. I use to get so very upset seeing happy married couples walking around with their children. That use to be me! I finally got over that and can go places and not be angry at those happily married couple any more. However, I still do have issues with military. This is a touchy subject. My husband, soon to be ex, is in the Navy. By him leaving us I feel like he kicked us out of the military family. I feel like my "friends" that I use to have out in VA and no longer my friends because I am  not a military wife any more. Yes it pains me. I am a veteran myself. I was deployed overseas and I did my time. So right now I have a love/hate for the military. I know its weird and its hard for me to explain. I am proud of those who serve and I KNOW that not every military man is like Chuck. I am just bitter right now. I will once again not have a love/hate relationship with the military. How can I hate the military when I loved being apart of it and being in that military family? I don't hate it I'm just bitter right now because of my situation. It will pass this I promise you.

So I have come a long way and I am ready to close this book of my life and start a fresh book with just me, my boys and those that truly love us and will never leave us no matter how rough and hard it gets. A new beginning is what we all need. My boys will be showered with so much love. They already are but they will see that Mommy will never leave, that I will be here come rain and high water. I am their backbone and I will be there to catch and hold them when they can't do it themselves. 

I am so much stronger because of this situation I was forced to be in. I have found ME once again. I will never let anyone change me to be someone I am not! I am a difficult person but I try my very best not to be. I have my hard days, they are very few. I do cry and I do ask why me? I ask why did this have to happen when I have 2 children involved? Why me? Well because I wasn't where the Lord wanted me to be in my life. It happened for a reason. I am strong and He wouldn't have placed this on me if He knew that I couldn't handle it. Why my boys? Because they are MY children and just as strong as their mama!

My marriage wasn't bad and I don't wish that it didn't happened. I love his family. They are great. I feel bad that they are hurting because of his decision. I do my very best to keep everything good. I am hurting but not as much as I use too. I loved and I hurt. I will be able to love once again with all my heart like I did with Chuck. Right now I am not able to love just yet because he still has my heart. Once I have my heart back I will be able to give it to someone who deserves it and won't break any promises. My love for him will dissolve. He is the father of my children. That will never change. This book will be closed and the horrible events will be in the past. 

Come Jan 1,2012 a new life for the boys and I begins. Don't get me wrong it already has begun but this will be fresh with no hurt or pain in the middle of it! If that makes any sense, lol. I am ready to get this book closed and to start fresh! I will tell you all about all the exciting things that has happened to us so far come the New Year. If you have read to here thank you for reading. Please don't think that I bashed Chuck and "aired" out our dirty laundry because I did not air out dirty laundry out there. I told you all it was going to be pure raw honesty with no sugar coat on it! Thanks. I hope you all have a great New Year!