Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When I hurt, They Hurt!

You know how you always hear that your children know when you are hurting even when they don't know how to communicate? Well I can tell you first hand that this is so true! Since our situation the boys have been more aware of emotions. I swear they have grown up so quickly because of this. Its really sad because they are to young to be trying to deal with all of these emotions that this separation has brought upon us all! I wish I could take away all of their worry and concerns. Here are a few examples of what I mean when I saw when I hurt they hurt.

When I am on the phone with their dad and it gets heated up I walk to another room so the boys do not have to hear or see. CJ does a great job at saying in the other room. However my little munchkin Jamison is at that age where he follows mommy everywhere. I can not cry with out my poor baby feeling the emotion as well. He will cry so hard. He will stop crying once I have stopped. He will cuddle me until we are both feeling better. He is too young to have to deal with this! Its not fair to them that they can sense all the hurt and pain that I am going through and they go through it as well. CJ asked me EVERY day if I am happy. It hurts that he is so worried about me. I get a "Mommy are you Happy?" "Mommy are you Sad?" "Mommy are you crying?" "Mommy why are you crying?" He is only 4! He doesn't need to be worried about me. He should be having fun and not caring much really. You know being a kid. He has grown up far beyond his years in such a short amount of time.

I hate that my babies sense and worry about so much when they don't need too. I can't sniffle(nose) around CJ because he INSTANTLY thinks that I am crying! I have to tell him repeatedly that I am not crying that I am happy. It will happen out of the blue if we are just chilling out and watching a show. He will come up to me and ask me "Mommy are you Happy?" Why does he worry so much? We are all going through so much but I want my boys to be the kids that they are suppose to be. To not have a worry in the world!

So just a reminder you children do sense and feel what you are going through. They can feel it and do not think for one moment that they don't feel or sense it. They absolutely 100% feel everything you are dealing with. I don't know what I could do for my children so they don't have to worry about things that are far beyond their years. At times I think I may have failed when it comes to that. I do know that I am showing them that its ok to have these emotions and I get to show them how to deal with it the right way. When CJ asks why I am crying I don't say because your dad made me cry, no way! I just tell him that my heart hurts and that I need to cry. He is learning how to express his feelings and frustrations as well. All of this is a learning process that we are learning together. I know its not going to happen over night. I just want my children to know that mommy will be ok and that they don't need to worry about me. That the best medication for me is their love that they show.

My children are my world and I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have them! When they hurt I hurt. When I hurt they hurt. This is a learning process for us all and we are working and dealing with it. My children need to be children.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Breaking Down

So I need to get better at this blogging. I was doing really well with it and its like I dropped off a cliff. Some times my life just grabs me by my horns and takes me for a ride!  So I am not going to promise to do better because I will feel horrible if I fail. So I will try to do better with posting more.

So now onto my post! The other day CJ had a bad break down. I too had a bad break down as well. CJ has been acting out a whole lot more lately. I understand because this situation is also a huge change for him as well! So I knew that there would be tough times with him adjusting and the acting out. So his first break down he wanted to go live with his dad because I scolded him and he got in trouble. He told me that he didn't love me and he wanted to move to his dad's house! I was heart broken! I cried and I cried. Chuck on the other hand thought it was hilarious, which pissed me off pretty bad!

So the other day CJ wasn't listening to me about the animals and just back talking me. He doesn't realize that he can really hurt the kitten really bad. I just don't know how to explain to him about that cat. So he stopped messing with the animals and then he goes off to start doing something else bad! Once again I warn him he ignores me. I tell him he can stand in the corner or go to the bedroom for a time out. Well he decided to do neither of those choices and continued to talk back to me. I gave him a little swat on the butt and put him in the room. All along the way to his room he kicked and hit me! It really hurt. So in the room he went for a timeout. He screamed, yelled, and slammed the door. Just it was horrible. He was so frustrated and upset he didn't know what to do. After he calmed down he came out and I explained to him more why he got in trouble. After I got done talking to him he still wasn't listening and still talking back. I had to call his father to see if he could talk so sense into him. It seemed to work for a bit.

So once Chuck was done talking to CJ I got on the phone. Mind you I was crying at this point. I broke down and I took it out on Chuck. It wasn't bad it was really ok so to speak. I have had bad break downs and took it out on him bad. I was telling him that I was just frustrated and being a single mom is really a tough job. Ya being a mom is hard enough having this job 24/7 but its much harder when you are the only parent. I am out numbered here. When CJ cries little brother is right behind him crying too even though he is not in trouble at all. So I just broke down I needed to it was going to happen. I told him this isn't easy and it wasn't suppose to be like this. That my family wasn't suppose to be broken and that we were suppose to still be whole and together. I told him I would like to have a break but I can't. I am all they have! You know I don't get to come home to an empty house with no responsibility at all. I have my children and they need to be cared for all the time! I don't get a break. I need a break. I love my children to death and I would be devastated if they got taken from me. I would go crazy to be honest! These boys keep me going.

I need the break down and I needed him to know the stress and pain that I am in. I don't think he really understands it at all. Some times I just want to say screw it I'm sending you to your dad's but really? Can I honestly do that? AHHH NO!! I wouldn't do that. I am nothing without my boys. I would lose my mind. Yes I am already losing my mind with them being around me 24/7 but I wouldn't have it any other way at all! I do know that I do need my space and time apart for the kids once in a blue moon. To go out and have fun. That I do know. I don't get to do it often but when I can I try to go.

Its ok for me to have these moments where I don't think that I can do it. I know that I can do it, yes it may be stressful and all. In the end I will be so much better and stronger. Nothing will ever get me down to where I don't think I can do it. If I am making it through this situation I can make it through anything that life decides to through to me! You can kick me down so many times before I can't and won't get kicked down again. I will be stronger. I know that I am stronger already. I can't wait to see how much stronger I will be once all of this is over and done with!