Tuesday, December 17, 2013

A Year to Celebrate!

Yes it is a year to celebrate! No, I am not out of the woods from this whole cancer journey at all. I am here today to celebrate my 30th birthday! A day last year I didn't know if I would see this day (does that make sense?).

December 17, 2012 I saw my surgeon for a preop appointment and we asked about my PET scan results. What was told to us was something no one ever wants to hear. My PET scan had shown that my cancer had reached my brain. I can not tell you everything that went through my mind. Let me tell you I did see my life flash before me. My main concern was and still is my boys! What would happen to them?! I was told that I would live about 2 years maybe. A lot of what the doctor said to me I did not hear. It was very hard to hear this news. My parents where there with me and all we could do was cry. I was in even more shock. I had just been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and now I was told I would live long. It was all so hard to swallow. This was my birthday gift last year.....not knowing if I would be here today.

My oncologist ordered an MRI to be done of my brain to see if what was seen in the PET scan was the cancer or not. We had the MRI and we waited for what seems like FOREVER!! We got the results and my cancer DID NOT spread to my brain! A huge weight was lifted off all our shoulders and our hearts some much more lively to fight harder!! We were given hope! It is hard to write this and to relive these memories that seem all to fresh as if it were just yesterday that all this happened.

This past year has been hell! I have fought hard and I continue to fight hard. I worry every day about what is happening in my body.....but today......today I will celebrate ME!! To celebrate my birth and to celebrate a year that I didn't know if I was ever going to see!! I am still here standing! No I did not go down!! So please celebrate with me. This is a big birthday for me.....ya I am turning 30 and that is all too exciting too but.....I'm still here! Do you not understand how happy I am to be able to say I'm here today when I thought I wouldn't have been last year!

It is crazy how something that is so destructive and give your life a whole new perspective. To be appreciative of everything and everyone in your life. To learn how to LIVE in the moment that you get. I have seen who has been here for me through it all and I have seen those who have left without looking back! To see my friends and family who stood up with me and said I will fight right along side you. I will never leave your side! I wish I could gather us all in one place to celebrate today together. This is a big deal to me and I am sorry if you are one who may be rolling your eyes. One will never know how important it is to live to see one more year when your year last year was threaten and it still is with uncertainty.

There are many people who have supported me and have given me strength when I was too weak. There were days that I cried and asked why me? I didn't want my parents to have to take care of ME their DAUGHTER.....wasn't it suppose to be me taking care of them when they got older? We have had many triumphs throughout this year. I will name some that I can remember there are probably others that I can not remember and I am sorry for that....gotta love the side effects of chemotherapy.

1. Diagnosis
2. Surgery
3.First day of chemo
4. Full range of motion in left arm
5. PET scan showed that chemotherapy KILLING the cancer cells!!
6. Susan G. Komen 5k walk
7. Radiation Completed!

This is just the little but that I can remember.....there has been many more that have happened over the last year! Now do you see why this birthday is so special to me?!?! Let's celebrate my life....literally! I mean it!! Share with me a memory or something! I am so happy to still be standing here today. I am so happy with all the new friends I have made (even though it was this evil disease that brought us together), my friends who have become like my sisters and everyone who has stuck with me through EVERYTHING.

I am going to end this because I will be repeating myself over and over again! Hey!! Guess what?!?!?! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! I am 30 years old!!! I am alive!! I am living and I am very blessed!!! Help me make this celebration a great one! Love you all!!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Ugly Truth

...... is that cancer takes people away from us! I woke up this morning to see that one of my pink sisters lost her battle to breast cancer. I have been crying and holding back my tears all morning and afternoon long. My heart is so heavy and I can't stop my eyes from watering and the tears from falling. Yes I did ask why she was taken but God has a plan for everyone and he called home his Angel. I take comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain, that she is healthy and whole once more. All of us pink sisters have an Angel watching over us. It breaks my heart. Her breast cancer had spread to her brain and all us Pink Sisters know that there is not much that can be done when the cancer has spread to other organs. The only thing that the doctors can do is just to treat it, there is not cure when it metastasizes. Breast Cancer and all other cancers take people from this world. 

I can't even put into words the sadness that I am feeling right now. My thoughts are all over the place. Mariana has a son who is maybe a little bit older than Jamison (3) and a family. My heart hurts for her son and her family she left behind. I didn't know Mariana personally but she has rooted me on with my battle. I knew her through Instagram as how I have met MANY of my pink sisters there. It hurts when one of our Pink Sisters loses the battle. It is not fair but a lot of things in life are just not fair. I will continue to pray for us all and for a cure so not one has to deal with this. Mariana thank you for being apart of my life for the short amount of time. You impacted me, cheered me on and gave me hope when I was feeling down. Watch over us all we will miss you greatly.

This is a first for me to be sadden by a lost of someone I didn't know personally but who touched my heart greatly. As I was looking through FaceBook right before my chemo I saw one of my Pink Sisters mention Mariana in a post and than about another fellow Pink Sister. I found out that my Pink Sister Tina's breast cancer has spread to her liver!! It is a very difficult day. Just like Mariana I do not know Tina in person but through instagram and facebook. As my Pink Sister Regina said this afternoon, "the only good thing that comes from Breast Cancer is the friendships that you make' with other Breast Cancer Survivors. We are in this together!! Pink Sister Norma said on instagram we are holding our hands tightly together today. We will not fight this battle alone. Tina keep fighting a strong fight! I will pray for you girl! Thank you for being part of my life.

Being able to tell me feelings about the events that are happening today I am finding some comfort. This is my outlet. As I was doing chemo today and reflecting on everything going on it was very and still is very hard to stay positive. I am scared SHITLESS about my PET scan that I am suppose to have this month! When will we find a cure? I am already at Stage 4 Breast Cancer. Just like all my Pink Sisters we WANT to have wonderful results from our PET Scans but some of us do not get those. I am scared! I KNOW that I need to have tons of more Faith in God when it comes to this but right now I am just so scared. I am sad for the loss of Mariana, I am pissed off that Tina's Cancer spread, and I hate CANCER. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!! Please continue to pray for all of us. Prayers help so much.

1 Thessalonians 4:17-18

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.  Therefore encourage each other with these words

Psalm 48:14

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

For all of you who are dealing with cancer whether it be you battling, a family member or a friend be there for them! Be a friend who makes time to see them not a friend who only sees them when they see the battle getting worse. Spend time because we (cancer patients) don't know how our battle is going to end. Don't end up being that person that wishes they would of spent more time after their loved one has left this Earth, be there for them NOW! The battle is HARD and I think it is HARDER when you are not going to treatments every day or every week. Trying to get back to as much of a "normal life" as one can. The transition is hard. Be there for them! Don't have any regrets! Support and being there means so much. All I can say is do enough to be there for them to be able to say if they don't win the battle that you where there for them and have no regrets.

I know that I get in moods when I "fall off" and what I mean by that is I just wake up and do what I need to do and than go to bed at night. Times when I feel like I am in a void of nothingness. There are times that I wish my closest of friends lived close to me so I could tell them "Hey can you come over and just be here with me because I am having a hard time." I don't get that pleasure because all of my closest of friends live ALL OVER the United States. I have a hard time building relationships and it is hard for me to trust people because of past failed friendships. I do keep myself away from opening up a lot. It is only because I am scared of getting hurt. One day I will be able to have a friend or friends who live close by that will be here for me. That will say I am coming over and we are going to hang out whether you want to or not. I miss my friends. I love facebook because I see all my friends who live far away. To my friends all over the US, my pink sisters and to my new friends I will do my best to be a better friend.

In the end remember that a cancer patient doesn't always know the end of their battle. I will end this with a quote from one of my pink sisters who left this comment on my facebook, " While some of us will certainly lose our battles, many more of us will not only survive, but thrive!"