Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Just writing out loud

I am sitting here at the dinner table suppose to be doing math and anatomy homework but of course my mind is wondering; go figure, huh? There is just so much going on in my head. My quarter will be done in two weeks and I am afraid that I won't be able to pass two out of the three classes. Yes, this diagnosis has gotten in the way of my learning and I am upset that I let it. For all of you that do not know I am going to college to become a Nurse. I have one quarter left of prerequisites before I can apply for the Nursing program.

Here is the issue: I don't know how extensive my treatments are going to be. Yes, I know that my breast is getting removed but the question that is still lingering is did the cancer spread to my armpit? A part of me wants to still go forth with my winter quarter and do all three classes I am signed up to do just to prove to people that I can do it while being "sick". Then there is another part of me that is telling me to just wait and not do the winter quarter. So I am in a battle with myself as to what to do with winter quarter. I have been on the go with college for a whole year and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have classes to attend too BUT I also don't want to have all these classes and it turns out to be that its to much stress for me at the time.

I have my oncology appointment on Friday, but (YES another but, lol) the consultation won't be 100% because we don't have the biopsy result of the armpit. So should I wait it out and not do winter quarter or do I just think that I am going to do winter quarter as if I was still healthy and not "sick"? Or do I plan on just taking winter quarter off with thinking that I am going to have to go through chemo and radiation therapy? This is such a hard battle for me just because I am a person who LOVES to prove people wrong when they think I can't do/achieve things when I have huge obstacles in my life. Sitting here not knowing what to do with school is kind of heart breaking because I have been working my butt off hard for this past year. I mean I really can't rely 100% on what the treatment will be when we talk to the oncologist because we won't have the biopsy results.

I guess I will just wait until I know what my whole treatment plan will me. I don't want to stress my body out when it comes to treatment and I am trying to not worry about the unknown future. Ok vent/rant/ or whatever you want to call it, over with. Thanks for listening.


To Texas and Back said...

Jackie, I had no idea you were battling breast cancer. I am sending you warm hugs of love and support. If you need anything -ANYTHING AT ALL, I am here and will do my very best to make it happen. I have a male family member also battling breast cancer at this very moment. Stay strong, chin up and just know that you are surrounded by a world of support and I am one of your biggest cheerleaders. ((HUGS))

* Patty * said...

Sweetie, I think I'd just see for now what the doctors tell you Friday. But I also would want to plan on going thru with your schooling. You might just surprise yourself and be able to do it, ya never know how things will go. If it's too much for your body you'll know, and then you can maybe cut back. First and foremost is YOU, how you feel! School isn't going anywhere.

My love, hugs and prayers are always with you!