Monday, December 10, 2012

I'm scared

I am not going to lie but I am absolutely scared. This whole breast cancer is just getting real and real each time. I know I have it I know I have to have treatment but I am not sure I have let it all sink in yet. It is sinking in little by little and I am so scared!! I know it is going to be a fight and I will come out winning but by golly am I really ready? How can I be ready? I don't feel prepared at all! What can I do to be prepared? How does one prepare to fight a battle like this? I don't have the slightest clue at all. I don't even know where to start to be honest. I am still positive but these thoughts do cross my mind. I am 100% sure that I will be coming out on top of this battler. I will have my victory but am I really ready for this fight? Do I feel ready? No, I don't feel ready at all.

Anyways...... I got the call with the biopsy results and cancer is in the arm pit as well. So my surgery will be the whole breast and the arm pit lymph nodes. I will be scheduled for a full body scan to make sure that the cancer has not spread to any other organ in my body. The bone scan came back negative so YAY no cancer in the bones. The doctor said that if it spread it would spread to the liver and than to the brain. Ya, so many thoughts going through my head. To many to be honest. All I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. I don't want this cancer to be any where else in my body. Isn't it enough that its in my breast and its taking that away?!?! Why would it want to invade other parts? If only it could speak back, huh?

Tomorrow I should be getting a call back with three appointments. One appointment will be the body scan, another with the surgeon and the third with a plastic surgeon to talk about reconstruction. So many ways of treatment are possible BUT we won't know the course 100% until ALL test procedures are done. I am still waiting on the genetic testing to see if the gene is in me or not. So not only will I have to wait for that but also this body scan. BLAH!!! I am already exhausted thinking of all of this.

I just wanted to give you the news I received. I am scared.

6 comments:

B. Lightner said...

You can do it Jackie you are strong! Keep positive thoughts!!

J.Jones said...

Thank you Brittany. 99% of the time I do have positive thoughts!! :) Keeping Positive here!

Shannon said...

My dad has cancer. When they first diagnosed him, they gave him six months. It's been over 7 years and though he's had recurrences, he beats it. His advice? EAT. The treatments can make you sick, but you have to EAT. If you get sick, eat again and again and again. Because you have to have nutrition and you have to have your strength. So that is his advice (I didn't tell him who you were).

Victoria Pacho said...

Its ok to be scared, overwhelmed and to cry. Your emotions will take you for a ride. Allow yourself to feel and to ride through them. Dont avoid them give yourself a chance to walk through each emotion as they come. Otherwise one day they will bombard you and take you over.

To prepare, know its going to be a difficult battle and read others testimonies. Being honest with the situation is how you prepare. No matter how much you prepare you may never feel ready. For one this is a new situation and two self doubt will keep you second guessing yourself.

Claudia read this book and I like what it said. If you find yourself depressed its because your worrying about the past. If you find yourself anxious then your worried about the future. Don't be stuck in the past or the future be in the now.

J.Jones said...

Thank you everyone!! I know I need to stay positive and I am. I know that it is ok to cry and that I need to get it out. I am not going to lie about not being scared but I just need to pray. I just need to not worry about the future and work on the present. This is something I have been doing lately but still the sneaky future gets in and I start to worry. Thank you all so much.

* Patty * said...

As the others have said, it's ok to be scared, that's normal. It's also ok to cry, to let go, even scream if you want, throw things, just get it all out. No it won't take it away, but for sures you'll feel better for a bit.

I wish I could make you feel better as we all do. Just remember we're all praying for you & most of all 'listening' to what you have to say, we're here for you.

You can do this Jackie, you're a very positive & strong lady, otherwise you wouldn't be writing/blogging and taking us on you journey with you!