Thursday, December 27, 2012

Preparing for tomorrow

So tomorrow is the day of my surgery and I am trying to prepare as much as I can. So first off I will ask everyone how was your Christmas Holiday? I had a great time. It was so nice to be surrounded by love ones. My younger sister made it home on Christmas day to spend with us. It is very nice having her. My WHOLE family is here all together. There are a total of SIX kids. So on Christmas day it was us SIX kids, my two kids, my older sisters four kids, and my parents. The only one we were missing was my other niece! Just my family alone is enough!! We didn't do much on Christmas day since we opened our gifts Christmas eve night. I actually took a nap!

So not it is the night before my surgery and I am antsy. I feel confident in my surgeon BUT what I don't feel confident is in me. I have struggled with self image issues for a very long time and it has been hard trying to accept me for me. I am in a point in my life where I am ok with me. Now that I am having surgery I am afraid of what I will think of myself. Will I nit pick every little bit about my missing self? How am I going to react. I was texting my friend Sam earlier today and I was talking to her about how I was scared. I told her that I was worried about how I will see myself after surgery and she told me "...But you'll still be a beautiful woman and nothing less." But what if I don't see myself like that after surgery? It is a battle that I will face tomorrow. So I pray that I do not change in how I see myself. I pray that I will be able to see me how Sam and everyone else sees me.

I also know that there are many of you wondering if I have heard back about my MRI results. Well here is the thing.....I have my MRI results in BUT I do not know how to read them. No I have not called my Doctor to have them read them to me. Why you ask? Well......let's just say that I am scared of what my test results are. It has not been nice to me in over a month. I feel like each test I do the results before worse then the one before it. So instead of getting my results before my surgery I am just focusing on my surgery. I will ask for my results after my surgery but I do not want to go into surgery if it is bad news. I want to be high spirited and focused to get this cancer out and start healing. So when I am on the mend, after surgery is done, I will ask about my results. Yes, I know kind of strange and odd. Right now the MRI results of not knowing isn't really bothering me. I will get the results and deal with what it says after my surgery.

I want to also share that this past Saturday my dear friend Esha took photos of the boys and I. She showed a sneak peek and I can not wait to see the rest of them!! Esha Hart Photography is her fan page on Facebook. Check her out. So I will leave you all with the picture that she shared on her page. Thank you for praying and keeping me in your thoughts as I travel through my journey to beat the beast out of me.

P.S. Mina if you are reading this I absolutely LOVE my scarf! Thank you so much!!

4 comments:

Wanda said...

Our thoughts & prayers are with you tonight and will be going with you tomorrow. Love, hugs, & healing vibes coming your way! ♥

jeanhuangphotography said...

Jackie,

You know, you are beautiful. Many of us women deal with (or have dealt with) the feeling of being insecure. Interestingly, I just wrote about it in a post today: "Let's Celebrate (being a Woman", Shall We?":

http://jeanhuangphotography.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/lets-celebrate-being-a-woman-shall-we-los-angeles-transformational-beauty-photographer/

Have a good rest tonight. You will be in my thoughts, as you have been. And if you want to talk about "woman-ness" after the surgery, we will have lots to talk about. Haha...

Love,

Jean

Anonymous said...

Sending some love from HodgePodge Crochet....you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.....you will always be beautiful, your written words show how beautiful you are on the inside as well as the outside!
Joy M

Julie said...

Jackie!!
This picture is absolutely beautiful! I LOVE it!!!

I sent you a text, but not sure if you got it. I am not on facebook anymore but I will be keeping in touch with you through your blog and by text. I am praying for you and I hope the surgery went well and you are recovering quickly. You are such a strong and beautiful woman! You are awesome. I am praying for you!

HUGS!!
LALA