Closing this book 2007-2011

The New Year is in 2 days and I am ready to close this book of my life. I don't know how this is going to end, the blog, but if you have nothing nice to say then just close the web page down now. I am going to write from my heart and say what I feel. I won't be sugar coating anything, that's just not me. I am going to write pure, raw honesty. If you can't handle what will be said then I ask that you just stop reading.

So onto my post. I am done with this "season" of my life. I am ready to close the book and start a new one with just my boys and I. I was married 4yrs 1 month and 6 days before he called it quits. Does it hurt? Yes it hurts very bad! Am I over it 100%? Absolutely not! Do I think that his decision to call it quits so quickly and without trying to fix it was insane? You bet your ass I do. Was the marriage as horrible as he made it to be? No!! Did we have our rough times and our good times? Yes! Isn't a marriage something that has to be worked at at all times? YES, well at least to me. You have to work on it together! Why did he leave? I don't know, because I didn't make him "happy" the way he wanted. How was I suppose to make him "happy" the way he wanted when he NEVER told me how too? Hmm did you think about that Chuck? Probably NOT! Anyways it doesn't matter now the damage is done and it can't be fixed.

From this marriage I have learned a lot. I have learned that I need to find someone who is strong enough to be with me. I am blunt and forward, that's just me. If you can't deal with that then you don't deserve me. I am a wonderful mother and person but yes I do have my feisty side. Who doesn't? I need someone who will put in their 50% into everything. I have loved with all my heart and my heart was beyond broken when he left. Did I think he was strong enough to pull through the toughest of times? Yes I did, but I was so wrong and was so shocked when he told me he was done. 

I don't think he realized what his actions did to his two children. Two young children who don't understand whats going on. They try to but really don't understand. I love my children with all my heart and boy does it hurt to have to see them go through the heart break that I went through. I don't want my children to EVER have to go through this. I didn't even want them to go through this or to feel this pain. They are just to young. I hurt for us all. I hurt even more for my children because they can't fully understand right now. Will they find out? Of course they will. Will they understand then? I don't have a clue. I hope that they will know that this decisions that their father made was not because of them. I honestly think his decision was selfish, but who am I to think such things?

Will their fathers decision to have left his family affect the boys in the future? Yes it will. Will his choices to call twice a month to talk to his children affect them as well? Yes it will. I am not trying to bad mouth him at all and I am sure its looking like that. Like I said I am not going to sugar coat and try to make this pretty. I am doing this straight up raw. Please forgive me if you think I am bad mouthing him, I am not I still love the dumb ass! Anyways....the boys will take notice of everything. Chuck doesn't even know the baby, that's pretty sad to me. I just hope and pray that I can raise my boys to be the best they can be.

I don't talk bad about their father to them. I won't ever. I don't agree with his decision on leaving us but it is what it is and there was nothing that I could of done to change his mind. It was made up and set and there was no moving his decision either way. After all the pain that he is putting the boys and I through I still love him. Call me dumb or what not. I know that my love for him will dissolve and it'll take time. I just don't have that on and off love switch that he apparently has.

I am slowly handling this better day by day and with the help of a therapist. My children are doing great. I have learned from my therapist how to handle them as well. If you would of asked me June 10, 2011 when I found out the news that he was leaving where I would be today? I would of NEVER imagined that I would of been here where I am right now!! I have turned this tragedy into something amazing even with my broken shattered heart. I am proud of the turn around that I have done. 

Am I damaged? You bet I am. I am also sour. I use to get so very upset seeing happy married couples walking around with their children. That use to be me! I finally got over that and can go places and not be angry at those happily married couple any more. However, I still do have issues with military. This is a touchy subject. My husband, soon to be ex, is in the Navy. By him leaving us I feel like he kicked us out of the military family. I feel like my "friends" that I use to have out in VA and no longer my friends because I am  not a military wife any more. Yes it pains me. I am a veteran myself. I was deployed overseas and I did my time. So right now I have a love/hate for the military. I know its weird and its hard for me to explain. I am proud of those who serve and I KNOW that not every military man is like Chuck. I am just bitter right now. I will once again not have a love/hate relationship with the military. How can I hate the military when I loved being apart of it and being in that military family? I don't hate it I'm just bitter right now because of my situation. It will pass this I promise you.

So I have come a long way and I am ready to close this book of my life and start a fresh book with just me, my boys and those that truly love us and will never leave us no matter how rough and hard it gets. A new beginning is what we all need. My boys will be showered with so much love. They already are but they will see that Mommy will never leave, that I will be here come rain and high water. I am their backbone and I will be there to catch and hold them when they can't do it themselves. 

I am so much stronger because of this situation I was forced to be in. I have found ME once again. I will never let anyone change me to be someone I am not! I am a difficult person but I try my very best not to be. I have my hard days, they are very few. I do cry and I do ask why me? I ask why did this have to happen when I have 2 children involved? Why me? Well because I wasn't where the Lord wanted me to be in my life. It happened for a reason. I am strong and He wouldn't have placed this on me if He knew that I couldn't handle it. Why my boys? Because they are MY children and just as strong as their mama!

My marriage wasn't bad and I don't wish that it didn't happened. I love his family. They are great. I feel bad that they are hurting because of his decision. I do my very best to keep everything good. I am hurting but not as much as I use too. I loved and I hurt. I will be able to love once again with all my heart like I did with Chuck. Right now I am not able to love just yet because he still has my heart. Once I have my heart back I will be able to give it to someone who deserves it and won't break any promises. My love for him will dissolve. He is the father of my children. That will never change. This book will be closed and the horrible events will be in the past. 

Come Jan 1,2012 a new life for the boys and I begins. Don't get me wrong it already has begun but this will be fresh with no hurt or pain in the middle of it! If that makes any sense, lol. I am ready to get this book closed and to start fresh! I will tell you all about all the exciting things that has happened to us so far come the New Year. If you have read to here thank you for reading. Please don't think that I bashed Chuck and "aired" out our dirty laundry because I did not air out dirty laundry out there. I told you all it was going to be pure raw honesty with no sugar coat on it! Thanks. I hope you all have a great New Year!

When I hurt, They Hurt!

You know how you always hear that your children know when you are hurting even when they don't know how to communicate? Well I can tell you first hand that this is so true! Since our situation the boys have been more aware of emotions. I swear they have grown up so quickly because of this. Its really sad because they are to young to be trying to deal with all of these emotions that this separation has brought upon us all! I wish I could take away all of their worry and concerns. Here are a few examples of what I mean when I saw when I hurt they hurt.

When I am on the phone with their dad and it gets heated up I walk to another room so the boys do not have to hear or see. CJ does a great job at saying in the other room. However my little munchkin Jamison is at that age where he follows mommy everywhere. I can not cry with out my poor baby feeling the emotion as well. He will cry so hard. He will stop crying once I have stopped. He will cuddle me until we are both feeling better. He is too young to have to deal with this! Its not fair to them that they can sense all the hurt and pain that I am going through and they go through it as well. CJ asked me EVERY day if I am happy. It hurts that he is so worried about me. I get a "Mommy are you Happy?" "Mommy are you Sad?" "Mommy are you crying?" "Mommy why are you crying?" He is only 4! He doesn't need to be worried about me. He should be having fun and not caring much really. You know being a kid. He has grown up far beyond his years in such a short amount of time.

I hate that my babies sense and worry about so much when they don't need too. I can't sniffle(nose) around CJ because he INSTANTLY thinks that I am crying! I have to tell him repeatedly that I am not crying that I am happy. It will happen out of the blue if we are just chilling out and watching a show. He will come up to me and ask me "Mommy are you Happy?" Why does he worry so much? We are all going through so much but I want my boys to be the kids that they are suppose to be. To not have a worry in the world!

So just a reminder you children do sense and feel what you are going through. They can feel it and do not think for one moment that they don't feel or sense it. They absolutely 100% feel everything you are dealing with. I don't know what I could do for my children so they don't have to worry about things that are far beyond their years. At times I think I may have failed when it comes to that. I do know that I am showing them that its ok to have these emotions and I get to show them how to deal with it the right way. When CJ asks why I am crying I don't say because your dad made me cry, no way! I just tell him that my heart hurts and that I need to cry. He is learning how to express his feelings and frustrations as well. All of this is a learning process that we are learning together. I know its not going to happen over night. I just want my children to know that mommy will be ok and that they don't need to worry about me. That the best medication for me is their love that they show.

My children are my world and I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have them! When they hurt I hurt. When I hurt they hurt. This is a learning process for us all and we are working and dealing with it. My children need to be children.

Breaking Down

So I need to get better at this blogging. I was doing really well with it and its like I dropped off a cliff. Some times my life just grabs me by my horns and takes me for a ride!  So I am not going to promise to do better because I will feel horrible if I fail. So I will try to do better with posting more.

So now onto my post! The other day CJ had a bad break down. I too had a bad break down as well. CJ has been acting out a whole lot more lately. I understand because this situation is also a huge change for him as well! So I knew that there would be tough times with him adjusting and the acting out. So his first break down he wanted to go live with his dad because I scolded him and he got in trouble. He told me that he didn't love me and he wanted to move to his dad's house! I was heart broken! I cried and I cried. Chuck on the other hand thought it was hilarious, which pissed me off pretty bad!

So the other day CJ wasn't listening to me about the animals and just back talking me. He doesn't realize that he can really hurt the kitten really bad. I just don't know how to explain to him about that cat. So he stopped messing with the animals and then he goes off to start doing something else bad! Once again I warn him he ignores me. I tell him he can stand in the corner or go to the bedroom for a time out. Well he decided to do neither of those choices and continued to talk back to me. I gave him a little swat on the butt and put him in the room. All along the way to his room he kicked and hit me! It really hurt. So in the room he went for a timeout. He screamed, yelled, and slammed the door. Just it was horrible. He was so frustrated and upset he didn't know what to do. After he calmed down he came out and I explained to him more why he got in trouble. After I got done talking to him he still wasn't listening and still talking back. I had to call his father to see if he could talk so sense into him. It seemed to work for a bit.

So once Chuck was done talking to CJ I got on the phone. Mind you I was crying at this point. I broke down and I took it out on Chuck. It wasn't bad it was really ok so to speak. I have had bad break downs and took it out on him bad. I was telling him that I was just frustrated and being a single mom is really a tough job. Ya being a mom is hard enough having this job 24/7 but its much harder when you are the only parent. I am out numbered here. When CJ cries little brother is right behind him crying too even though he is not in trouble at all. So I just broke down I needed to it was going to happen. I told him this isn't easy and it wasn't suppose to be like this. That my family wasn't suppose to be broken and that we were suppose to still be whole and together. I told him I would like to have a break but I can't. I am all they have! You know I don't get to come home to an empty house with no responsibility at all. I have my children and they need to be cared for all the time! I don't get a break. I need a break. I love my children to death and I would be devastated if they got taken from me. I would go crazy to be honest! These boys keep me going.

I need the break down and I needed him to know the stress and pain that I am in. I don't think he really understands it at all. Some times I just want to say screw it I'm sending you to your dad's but really? Can I honestly do that? AHHH NO!! I wouldn't do that. I am nothing without my boys. I would lose my mind. Yes I am already losing my mind with them being around me 24/7 but I wouldn't have it any other way at all! I do know that I do need my space and time apart for the kids once in a blue moon. To go out and have fun. That I do know. I don't get to do it often but when I can I try to go.

Its ok for me to have these moments where I don't think that I can do it. I know that I can do it, yes it may be stressful and all. In the end I will be so much better and stronger. Nothing will ever get me down to where I don't think I can do it. If I am making it through this situation I can make it through anything that life decides to through to me! You can kick me down so many times before I can't and won't get kicked down again. I will be stronger. I know that I am stronger already. I can't wait to see how much stronger I will be once all of this is over and done with!

Recovery

So I slacked off and missed about a week or so of blogging! I was doing so good to with it all! BUT I have a reason for this though! This past Sunday, August 21st was my son's 4th birthday! My mother and I were SUPER busy with getting everything done. We had some late nights! I will say it was so worth it all in the end! So with all the late nights and stressing it took me about a week to recover. I am getting older, I can just tell. I am not as young as I use to be. So not that CJ's birthday is done with its time to start planning Jamison's 1st party! Time is flying!

So I will update what has happened! I dealt with someone who was being selfish! Go figure right? Its ok though I got it under control! I put my foot down and that was that. Friday was an awesome day and night in General! I got some much needed help and it lifted a heavy weight off of my shoulders. It seriously gave me breathing room and a sense of accomplishment! Friday night my older sister and her Family came over to my parents place and she cooked dinner for us. It was so AMAZING and that food was awesome! I want more! It was nice having the whole FAMILY here at my moms enjoying laughing and tears. It was great family time. Something that we need to do more often! I didn't go to bed til 3am on Friday night and had to get up early with the baby on Saturday!

Saturday was another family BBQ, I tell you we have been doing something EVERY weekend since we have moved back. Its been awesome and tiring! I really missed it all when I was away. I just missed the who family feeling of everything. The love that surrounds us now is so much more then I ever asked. I think I kind of forgot what it was like to have so much loving and caring family around! So after the BBQ I met up with my friend and we went to Chuck E Cheese! Thank you for taking us there CJ had a great time. We didn't get home til almost midnight. We were having fun, what do you expect? I was late getting home and I felt horrible because my mom finished up the goodie bags all by herself that I was suppose to help her with!

The BIG Day arrived! Got up at 8am. I think we were out of the house at like 9 I think, I can't really remember. We left CJ passed out with his aunts and My mom, dad, Jamison and I took off to get everything done! Dad went to the park and got us a good spot. Mom, Jamison and I ran to the Dollar Tree to get some Balloons and picked up a few extra last minute items. Mom set up the area while I ran to go get the Birthday boy and his Aunts! Phew there was a TON of running around going on!

So when we got back to the park with the Birthday Boy this is what was on the table

Isn't this cake amazing?? I LOVED it so much! CJ LOVED it too! OMG did it just taste soo DELICIOUS! This is the cake that my COUSIN did for CJs birthday!  You should go check out her Page over on Facebook and see other cakes that she has done! Her facebook Page is Stellar Cakes & Cupcakes. If you haven't stopped by I think you should. You won't be Disappointed at all! She's a super lovely person to work with.

Here is what we did as for the rest of the party area in General.

It was a Mickey Mouse Party! So we had to do Mickey Mouse!! My sister over at Vixen Ware (you should check her page out too) screen printed the shirts for us! We added bows onto the shirts for the girls and left the boys shirts plain! My mother did the Goody Bags and the water bottles! I will have her Tutorial up on the water bottles over on my other blog www.craftyjonescreations.blogspot.com so keep an eye out for that! I think everything came along just right! CJ LOVED everything. We had balloons but we had to move it because the wind was just blowing them all over the place.

Overall my son had a GREAT Time! He was so excited that he turned 4 and that everyone showed up to Celebrate his special day with him! I am so glad that he loved everything that his grandma and I did for him! I would do it all over again just to be able to see and experience the pure joy he had that day! Everything in his world was just perfect for him and it showed!

Until Next time! I promise I will keep this up! It helps me so very much to share and get things off my chest! I wish CJs friends could of been here to celebrate his special day with us.

Ain't No one gonna Hold me down

Well the title says is all! I am not going to let anyone hold me down. I am tired of feeling like I am getting held down. I have given plenty of chances to sort this out and with no success at all. I am a grown woman who needs to provide for her children. I am taking the next step in my situation.

Once I get this done I think I will feel a sense of relief lifted off my shoulders. I will be able to relax a bit and not worry all the time. Things are slowly going to get better. I know this, I feel it deep down inside. Good things will happen for the boys and I!!

Just wanted to put out that I feel the wheels turning. I feel it inside, deep down! I am scared and excited about it all. One day at a time. One step at a time. It will all come together. I know it will. There is no choice for anything else! I need to shine and feel like myself again. Well as close to my normal self as I can!

Today was just an up and down day. BUT I managed and I accepted the feelings I was dealing with and let them go. My eyes are WIDE open! NO ONE will EVER have a hold on me again! I am taking the lead now! Tough luck! Sorry but this is just something that HAS to be done! I gave chances and it was thrown back in my face. I was being civil now its time to play.

So yes I am moving forward. My wheels are in full motion. NOTHING is going to stop me!

Pinning Overload

So last night one of my best friends and I got into a little argument. It wasn't fun at all and in the end we both were hurting. I hate when I eat my own words. I have always had an issue with getting my words out the right way. I say them PERFECTLY in my head but when it comes to saying or typing them out it goes all haywire. It gets lost in the transaction and in the end I am left hurting because it was not how I  meant it to be said! Then it bites me in the ass! So this is something that I have to fix. Something that hurt my marriage as well. The funny thing though is that people who TRULY know me know that I have a hard time getting my words to come out the right way. If only they could get into my head and read/hear what I wanted to say in the first place.

So I needed to see words of encouragement, words of wisdom, just anything to life me up. Thank goodness for Pinterest. That site is AWESOME! If you don't have an account there you should! Its something new and different. Anyways here are a few saying that really got to me and I will explain.

This really hit me hard last night. This has so much truth to it, it unbelievable. I needed to be reminded that he has control of everything! The part that really got to me was the to leave you part. There is a reason why I am here. He has a plan for me! He is molding me to be the person that he has ALWAYS wanted me to be with the experiences that I need to achieve his goal. I just need to remind myself that every person who is in my life and who has been in my life in the past there was always a purpose where they are with me still or not.

Well I think that I am doing pretty well with dancing in the rain right now! I have found happiness and I have been able to laugh during this situation. I am still learning how to continue dancing in the rain instead of getting swarmed by the storm! Its a struggle at times but the dancing part is amazing. I am surprised that I have been able to dance in the rain and I will continue to learn to do more dancing!

THIS is SO true! This is something that I am learning to do! Its hard I tell ya. Right now I am NOT 100% happy with who I am right at this moment. I feel like I failed at something that I shouldn't have. When I come to accept that this wasn't all my fault I will be much happier. I am on the road to being happy about who I am! I WILL have my happiness back to 100% once again!

In order to love someone else I need to love myself first! When I can love myself again I will be able to give my heart away. Until til I am learning how to love myself once more 100%.

Acceptance! Yes I need to accept what happened in my past and move on. I don't want to because it hurts but in order to move forward I need to. I will never understand the reasoning behind everything that has happened to me in the past. I would NEVER want to change or erase it. My past is what has conditioned and molded me into the person that I am today and the person I will be in the future. I will EMBRACE my past and LEARN from it. If I didn't do that I would never learn from it! So its time to accept it and move on!

This is the last I am going to leave you all with. If he brings you to it; he will bring you through it! This is SOOO true! This is NOT the first struggle I have had in my life. I asked him what he wanted of me and he brought me to it. Even though its killing me inside I know that I will get through it. He will NEVER give me something that he KNOWS I couldn't handle. I am strong and with Him in my life I am even stronger! I will get through this and come out on Top!

These are JUST a SMALL few of the huge list of words that helped me last night. Everything in life happens for a reason and has a purpose. It my hurt so much right now and think that you can't get through it but you will. I know I will get through this. I know that because I am hurting so much I have WONDERFUL people in my life who have brought me so much happiness in this time when I never thought I could laugh or smile! I will get through this struggle. I will be stronger then I ever was before. I will be able to conquer all that is put before me, well at least try for the most part. Thank you for putting me through this. I think this lesson in my life will have a HUGE effect on my future and how I handle things. My life will be so much better because of you.

Trust and Faith

How do I trust again? When the person that I trusted something with so special to me could just toss it to the side in a blink of an eye. I want to trust again whole heartily but how can I do that again? I mean, come on I believed in my marriage vows that I took and trusted that he would be here for better or worse. We had worse for a moment and off he went.

I want to trust again. Trust is another one of those important foundations in a relationship. I can trust someone but the question is can I trust them enough to hold my heart? I one day will want someone to hold my heart but my question is do i take the chance at trusting them to hold it? I know that it will take awhile to trust my heart in someone's hand again. I just hope the person I am with is understanding because the wait is well worth it.

This isn't my first divorce, this is going to be my second. I was young and I had to get go of my first husband. I didn't realize the pain that he went and dealt with when going through our divorce. It took me years to finally write to him and to apologize for the way I acted and the pain that I put him through. He is now happily married and just had a baby. It took me to be in this situation to realize the pain he probably went through. Where I am has opened my eyes big time. I was blindsided by the person I loved. No one should EVER have to deal with being blindsided by someone that they trusted. Nor should anyone have to deal with the pain and hurt that one goes through.

I have faith that I will love again. I have faith that I will get married once more. I have not lost faith in. most people probably would if they were in my shoes. I thought that I was married to my soul mate but that's not the case. If he was my soul-mate he would be here and not have left the way he did. there is someone out there for me. Love heals all wounds as well as time.

I will learn to trust again but it will take time. this heart of mine has gone through so much but in the end it will be stringer. I will have learned from my mistakes. I will love with all of my heart one day because I still have faith in love and will learn hot to trust once more.

I know that my journey to recovering will be a long one. As I walk through my journey I will learn to be able to trust once again. I will become the person that I lost years ago and be even better. I will be stronger. I will be  more wise. In the end I will trust and I will never lose faith in anything.


****Sorry I know this post was all over the place. There was a point to it but I lost where I was going with it. So all I did was just continued it, lol. Sorry about that!*****

Realization

Over the years of being with someone for so long you tend to forget about the simple joys of the relationship. Not sure what I'm talking about? I'm talking about the tender kiss placed on the forehead at the perfect moment. That welcomed but yet unexpected hug around your waist when you are not paying attention. The cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show. Holding hands while in public. Just letting them/her know how special they are.

We become to complacent in the relationship that we slowly stop doing the above mentioned things. The list can go on and on of the little but important actions that we forget to do. To me all of what we forget is what keeps the spark going. Letting them know how much they mean to you out of the blue. Letting them/her know how beautiful/handsome they are. Telling him/her how beautiful you see them without words but with the look in your eyes.

I've realized all of this since I moved out here to WA. I have had time to reflect on the relationship/marriage that I had. I realized that we stopped the cuddling, the hand holding and all the small things that make a womans heart (at least mine) pitter patter or make you feel those high school butterflies. We became complacent in our relationship/marriage and routine took over. There's nothing wrong with routine but still keep the spark going!

What female doesn't want to feel special? To see the look in your boyfriend/spouse/partner's eye know that they only have eyes for you and no one else could take that stare away is what everyone wants in a relationship. To have that and to be able to keep it would be awesome. To those who do have all this and more I think it's just amazing!

Relationships and marriages are a job on their own. If you don't work at it, it won't last. Each person needs to put everything into it. You can't have one person who is putting in 100% and the other only 50%. Both people need to put the same amount into it for it to be successful.

Since my situation I have be able to talk to Chuck's cousin a lot. She is an amazing person and her outlook on life and marriage are just as amazing! Happiness- it comes and it goes. It's something that needs to be worked on in a marriage or a serious realtionship. You need to make yourself happy. If something is making you unhappy address the issue. To make it work both need to put in the same amount of effort.

So I got off track for this post, lol. Go figure I went off and couldn't stop typing. My point is that I want to feel those butterflies in my belly all the time!! I want to know and feel that I am the only one that  that person wants to be with. But I also want the person I am with to feel the same. I want to be able to trust the person I am with. To know that they won't crush my heart. My heart has been crushed one to many times. This last time almost completely destroyed me. I want to feel safe in someone's arms again. I want to love and be loved again. Not to worry if I am making the person happy because I will just know by the site of him and his presence that I make him 100% happy.

Have I experienced the gittiness of the butterflies in my belly? Yes! Of course I have! Do I miss it? Hell Yes I miss it! I have been told that I am beautiful when I felt like I looked liked crap. I have experienced so much and realized how much I have missed it all. Also I realized how much of all this lacked in my marriage. Having the spark and working on making yourself happy is what will keep your relationship strong. Don't give up! Work on it! It's a commitment. Don't just throw it to the side like it's a piece of trash! Remember whether you know it or not you have somes delicate heart in your hands! Take care of it the person seriously trusts you enough for you to hold it so hold it gently. If you have to let the heart go do it ever so gently as well. Don't just go up to them and be like see your heart in my hands? Now see me crush it! It's not cool! Trust Me that happened to me and its not the greatest feeling at all. I almost didnt make this last heart crushing that was handed to me.

Well I am ending this post. If you read this, awesome. Remember these are my own ramblings and thoughts that I have put down. You may not agree with what I say and you may who knows. They may have made sense and they may have not made sense. My thoughts! Til next time.

Once AGAIN!!

Once again for the Billionth time I am so horrible at blogging. I do ok for a bit and then I just stop. It maybe because I do the same thing in my life every day. It's pretty much routine, so I feel like eh why write what I did today when its exactly the same that I did the day before, lol. So ONCE again I am here to play catch up to what has happened in my life. Oh the fun and joyous long blog post you are in for! I will do my best to not make it OVERLY long, but no promises!

So my life has done a 360 and then some. I am now a single mom (not my choice at all) :( thats just a long, sad and painful story. So the short version to how I became a single mom is this. Husband came home from a work trip, said he wasnt happy and wanted a separation. He didnt like how I reacted to his suggestion ( I was in complete utter shock, what do you expect?) so now he wants a divorce.

My 2 boys and I moved back to my home, WA and we are staying with my parents. We have been here since this past June. Its been hard for me to deal with all of it but I do have a strong support system to help me through the tough times. I am so thankful and grateful for everyone who is in my life and who is sticking with me as I am going through this big life change. My boys are adjusting, I don't expect them to understand at all because they are only 4yrs old and 11months. We are ALWAYS doing something on the weekends so we are keeping busy. Thank you to my family for keeping us busy.
My cousins have kids that are my sons age and my nieces and nephew are awesome with CJ. He LOVES going to family gatherings because he has TONS of kids to play with. I tell you having a big family is such a blessing in disguise.

So with this life change I am going from being a stay at home mom of 4 years to trying to get back into the work force so I can provide for my Children. Its hard with the way the economy is right now. I am not giving up hope at all. I have my goals that I want to reach and I will get to them one way or another. By boys are my driving force when I think the world has gone against me! I am getting help for myself to help deal woth all of this. This is such a HUGE step for me because I think this is my way of accepting that there is nothing that is going to happen between my husband and I. I need to get on with my life and better myself for the boys and I.

My friends that I have and the new ones I have made and the ones I have reconnected with they are freaking awesome! You know I realized that I REALLY lost who I was! I am slowly finding myself each and every day! I have been able to laugh with all my heart and smile with everything in me and mean it! Yes I am going through a LOT right now and NEVER would of thought that I could laugh, smile and have fun. My friends have done this for me. They are slowly helping me find ME!

Everyone in my life is just so supportive and they are each helping me heal through all of this. Yes I have lost some friends because of this whole ordeal but you know what? They were never really my true friends to began with if something like this stopped them from being my friend. I have met new people and they are just as awesome and fit perfectly in my life. Right now in my life I can say that I am truely happy. Ya my situation that I am in sucks big time and I wish this were different or that it could be Aug 2012 already but I am rolling with the punching and brushing nonsense off of my shoulders.

I KNOW that the future is bright for me! I just need to learn to be patient and accept the help that I am getting. I will be there and return the favor and help to each and every person who stood and helped me out in the darkest time of my life! All I can say is that if I didnt have my family or my friends to help hold me on my two feet I don't know how I would of dealt with this. The future for my boys and I are bright.

I hope this wasn't to long. I will do my very best to keep this updated a little bit better. Til Next time!

Mother's Day Weekend and Day 3

Well Happy Be-lated Mother's Day to all of you Mommies out there. I didn't get on this weekend because I was very busy! The In-laws came down which was really nice. Friday my husband, the boys and I went to the Relay for Life. I had a wonderful time out there. We didn't stay to long because it started to get to cold for the boys so we headed out.

It was really nice, they had things for children to do there. I think their theme was Halloween so some booths were doing trick or treating for the kids, CJ had a blast and Jamison was just enjoying some chill time! Then we headed home and waited for Grandma and Papa to get to the house. CJ was very excited because he had been waiting for a few days.

Saturday- was such a LONG day for me. Mr. Jamison decided to wake up at 7:30 and WOULDN'T go back to sleep. He was teething really bad that night, poor bugger boy! Hubby went into work for a bit to finish up something. So while we were waiting for him we took off to have some Breakfast, yummy! Then off to go do some shopping. Long day so far. I know I said that I was going to work out on the weekends no matter what. Well I didn't work out at all! I did something to me knee on Friday and it was killing me all weekend long. It was not fun at all.

So Saturday night the hubby and I went out with some friends while Grandma and Papa watched the boys for us. We had a great time. Chuck's Friend is going overseas here soon and we went out to have a good time with him before he left. It was nice. I watched them do some karaoke.

It was a fun night. We didn't get home til 3am! We have not stayed out that long in Such a long time! The time flew by because of all the laughing and fun we had.

Sunday- Mother's Day! I got a lovely wake up call from CJ with a pinch on my nose and a Time to get up mommy! LOL! I didn't complain and I got up. I had some cleaning to do as we had plans for our friends to come over for a Mother's Day Bar-b- Que. We cleaned and cleaned. I got a gift, wanna see it?

Two boys in a box! LOL. They had fun in the boxes and stayed in there for awhile! Then CJ took off with Grandma and Papa for the week! Little turd! We didn't get to fall asleep til 3am because we just couldn't. Stay up til about 1am playing trivia pursuit, which was fun but good gosh I need to learn some things lol.

So we are now caught up with the weekend and its Monday! Blah. Its really quiet! I  didn't want to wake up but Jamison wouldn't sleep in past 8:30. I dozed off and ya he feel off the bed! So we got up. He has been knocking his head all morning long! He has given himself a bump on his head and a cut on his cheek. He has battle wounds to say the least right now. I Forced myself to do my workout. I NEED to do this! I made it through. I had lunch which was left overs from yesterday, lol. Well I am done and I am off of here.

See you tomorrow!

Day 2- Jillian Michaels

Well, let's just say that I DIDN'T want to work out. My body was a little bit sore from yesterday. As much as I did not want to work out I did it any ways. I need to believe in myself that I CAN complete this 30day shred. I am making myself have NO CHOICE. I want to look and feel good about my body when I go see my family in WA at the end of June.

I let CJ watch a little bit of TV before I did my workout. I was on the phone with my best friend and so of course I was not going to work out while on the phone that would be interesting if I had, lol. It was very nice talking to my friend, we go months and months without talking and then went we do we just pick up where we left off. So as we were talking my whole wanting to lose weight came up of course, lol. She had mentioned the HCG Diet. Any of you all heard of it? Sounds interesting. I am going to give it a try, hey if it works it works, right? So I will be trying that out along with my 30day shred. I really want to shred this weight BAD.

My work out was  a struggle today but I made it through it. My 7month on was climbing on me when I was doing the floor exercise and of course CJ was jealous and had to join in. Try doing crunches with both boys on you. Oh ya not fun. Then try to do jumping jacks with a swimming noodle hitting your knees and what not. Ya it was SOOO much fun! NOT! I did work out and made it through. I didn't take a ton of rests. I think I can do this. I will be working out through the weekends so I don't get lazy about it.

Well this is my check in. No I do not have a weight scale so I wont be weighing in. I will do my checks on how I look in my clothes. I do know that I am at a gross 165, very sad but very true! I want to lose 20lbs. That is my goal!

Starting Fresh

Its been SUCH a long time since I have blogged! I can't believe it! Life is normal and I am forgetful so really no excuses. My shop has it spurts of taking off with orders and slowing down. I hope it gets more business. I have had my fan page open for a year now and my shop really going coming close on its year mark.

Anyways, I am going to try and do my best and start fresh with this whole blogging and everything. I know there are a ton of people who don't read this but I guess its just more of an online journal because I am sure my husband would just be bored to death hearing what I have to say lol. So I get to bore you if you read the whole thing!

The beginning of the year I had wanted to do the Jillian Michael 30 day shred. I started it then stopped and started and stopped. I am not losing any weight nor and I gaining but I can't fit into any of my clothes and its sad and depressing. Last night was my 4yrs wedding anniversary and as a gift I had told my husband to take me clothes shopping. He did and that was very sweet of him to let me drag him around while I found clothes that fit. Well to say the least I HATE shopping right now. One I don't like the shirt size I have to get to fell comfortable in. Its the biggest shirt size I have had to get in such a long time. I am so not even going to go with the pant size. I am sad at what size I am.

I need something to motivate me. I have no energy and no real desire to want to work out. I Just want to wake up one morning and Poof be skinny. Yes, I know I am dreaming don't we all wish it could be that easy? I mean its possible if I had the $$ to go get lipo but ya that is so not happening. I think a lot of this debbie downer has to do with the birth control I am on as well. Yes I like that I don't have to remember to take a pill every day but GOSH I have so many of the side effects. Its seriously effecting me and I know it. I am not happy about it. I go in on the 18th to talk to the new dr about it. I hope I can get it taken out and go back on the pill and start feeling like my normal self again.

So last night I was talking to my husband about giving myself a reward for sticking to the 30day shred. Yes its going to be a BIG challenge for me. One it's not fun working out with a 3 1/2yr old who is up in your face and then trying to not step on your 7month old who is crawling lol. So this is what I want to get myself IF I can complete this challenge and lose some weight.

I want to get this swimming suit for the summer which is literally around the corner. Its cute and I know that my body won't be ready for a two piece any time soon. I wasn't lucky enough to get the body that goes back to normal after a baby, lol. This swim suit will be the MOST expensive I have EVER gotten myself but HEY if I stick to the work out I think I deserve it, right?

Another reward that I would like to get myself is a dress for my niece and sisters quinceanera. I found the perfect dress that I would like to wear. Their colors are lime green and a hot pink!

This dress is pricey just like the swim suit but I love it! So these are my motivation! I just hope it really works for me. I would love to look good for the summer and for the quinceanera as well. I am tired of being disgusted with my body. Its sad and I want to cry. So I hope these two items really help motivate me to work out and look good and to help me feel better about myself.

Well thanks for reading my ramblings! I will keep you updated on my progress. I did my work out today and now its time to do my house chores.