Preparing for tomorrow

So tomorrow is the day of my surgery and I am trying to prepare as much as I can. So first off I will ask everyone how was your Christmas Holiday? I had a great time. It was so nice to be surrounded by love ones. My younger sister made it home on Christmas day to spend with us. It is very nice having her. My WHOLE family is here all together. There are a total of SIX kids. So on Christmas day it was us SIX kids, my two kids, my older sisters four kids, and my parents. The only one we were missing was my other niece! Just my family alone is enough!! We didn't do much on Christmas day since we opened our gifts Christmas eve night. I actually took a nap!

So not it is the night before my surgery and I am antsy. I feel confident in my surgeon BUT what I don't feel confident is in me. I have struggled with self image issues for a very long time and it has been hard trying to accept me for me. I am in a point in my life where I am ok with me. Now that I am having surgery I am afraid of what I will think of myself. Will I nit pick every little bit about my missing self? How am I going to react. I was texting my friend Sam earlier today and I was talking to her about how I was scared. I told her that I was worried about how I will see myself after surgery and she told me "...But you'll still be a beautiful woman and nothing less." But what if I don't see myself like that after surgery? It is a battle that I will face tomorrow. So I pray that I do not change in how I see myself. I pray that I will be able to see me how Sam and everyone else sees me.

I also know that there are many of you wondering if I have heard back about my MRI results. Well here is the thing.....I have my MRI results in BUT I do not know how to read them. No I have not called my Doctor to have them read them to me. Why you ask? Well......let's just say that I am scared of what my test results are. It has not been nice to me in over a month. I feel like each test I do the results before worse then the one before it. So instead of getting my results before my surgery I am just focusing on my surgery. I will ask for my results after my surgery but I do not want to go into surgery if it is bad news. I want to be high spirited and focused to get this cancer out and start healing. So when I am on the mend, after surgery is done, I will ask about my results. Yes, I know kind of strange and odd. Right now the MRI results of not knowing isn't really bothering me. I will get the results and deal with what it says after my surgery.

I want to also share that this past Saturday my dear friend Esha took photos of the boys and I. She showed a sneak peek and I can not wait to see the rest of them!! Esha Hart Photography is her fan page on Facebook. Check her out. So I will leave you all with the picture that she shared on her page. Thank you for praying and keeping me in your thoughts as I travel through my journey to beat the beast out of me.

P.S. Mina if you are reading this I absolutely LOVE my scarf! Thank you so much!!

Rejoice!!

Wow is all I can say!! Thank you everyone for keeping me in your prayers. I can not explain how grateful I am to have all of you in my live and how much of a blessing you all are to me. Today I had my oncology appointment and we were told the results of the MRI of my brain. As many of you know that my results showed that there was nothing on my brain!! Talk about a weight lifted off our shoulders! Oh gosh it is WONDERFUL news!! I am SOOOOOO very happy that there is nothing on my brain!! It was and still is good news.

My Oncologist has brought us hope. It is very nice. Now I have to get a MRI of my spine/lumbar to see if there is cancer on my bones. Please lets pray that it is not there! My surgery is still scheduled for next Friday the 28th. I had my MRI for my spine scheduled on the 27th BUT I just got that changed to tomorrow!! Woohoo! Thank you insurance for approving so quickly and for me checking!!

Please continue to pray. Prayer is amazing and the Lord is hearing our prayers. God is good and is in control!! Thank you everyone for all the prayers and positive thoughts. Love you all. (Yes, short and sweet and good news.)

A little bit of Happiness

I know that all of my posts haven't been the best of news and I don't want you all to think that all my blog is going to have is negativity. That is not the case. I know my mental isn't the best and we haven't received the best news. What can you do about it? take it in stride, stay positive and keep moving forward! I have a positive outlook and I believe. So I want to share some happiness with you and let you all know that I have been able to smile and laugh through this hard time in my life.

First off I want to mention that I am so blessed to have an enormous amount of people behind me. People I have NEVER met in my life but only know through the internet are cheering me on and love me to pieces. So many people are praying for me and sending positive vibes/energy my way. I can not tell you all how thankful I am to have all of you. I do not know how to put into words how much everything you all are doing means to me. I feel like I have a huge hug embracing me every single day. I get so teary eyed because of all of the support I have. Thank you all so very much you all mean the world to me. My family...omg.....I don't even know where to start....this has made us soooo much more close than ever.....we have strength we never knew we had and we KNOW that we will make it through this.

Okay so enough of my sappiness let me share some happiness with you all. Yes this is going to be picture overload!

Ok so here we go.....Dec 15th is the day my friends and I celebrated my 29th birthday. Michael and Heather S put it all together and it was perfect. Monica, Jason, Alex, Heather F, Sallie, Josh, Michael and I we all went out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant called El Charro and it was good. Before that Michael, Josh and I walked the super mall to kill some time and I saw Rainbow Brights Horse! So cuddly, soft and brought memories back! Oh and I added my hair process lol! I felt BEAUTIFUL that day and that is pretty rare for me to feel but I did.

So after dinner we headed of to Heather S and her Hubby Mike's house to let the celebration continue of course! She had balloons up and some munchies and wine. We played some board games which is always fun....at least to me anyways! We played apples to apples (I need to get this game!) and we TRIED to play cranium but that ended real quick. So we did dance revolution or something like that on the kinect. It was fun!! Yes I did make a fool out of myself with my NON dancing skills and of course Heather beat me with all her years of dance! Nonetheless it was so much fun!!

We had wine and I tried a new kind and it was super yummy. Looks like it'll be a long time before I can enjoy another glass but I can wait! That night was so perfect. We had so many laughs. I seriously laughed til my abs hurt and OMG I can't remember when I laugh so much and that hard. It was so very fun and amazing.

Oh did I mention that I got a ICE CREAM cake from DQ?!?!?! Well I did! It was AMAZINGLY GOOD!! I love ice cream cake from dairy queen! I munched and drank a few glasses of wine. I am VERY new to wine drinking but I do like to find other sweet wines to give a try to add to my love of moscato! I think the wine I tried that night was called Sweet Red and it was yummy goodness!! I think i have 3 or 4 glasses before I had to stop myself lol. I didn't want to get super drunk or anything.

So these next couple of collages that you see here are just photos I took with my phone from my party. I want to say that everyone had a great time and I hope that they did. There was tons of laughs that is for sure. It was really nice being around so many people who care and love me!

Oh and during the night I left my phone on the game table to go to the bathroom and get another glass of wine and Heather got a hold of my phone! You will see her with the faces she made. Oh and she made one of her pictures my phone background photo. Oh Heather the photo is still the background of my phone. It makes me laugh every time I see it.

So another cool thing too about this night is you see that breast cancer ribbon ornament on the Christmas Tree? Well Heather and her Husband Mike do not know how they got that ornament. It was just there just like the bracelet she gave to me. It is very crazy and cool and I just cant think of all the words but I think it is amazingly awesome!

So another thing that we did was we went Geocaching (I hope I spelled that right). I have heard of it and I have wanted to do it with the boys. If you don't know what it is it is like treasure hunting. There is a site where they log in the geos and you follow and find with a gps app on your phone. It sounds awesome. There was one very close to Heather's house so we went! It was pretty neat. This one was a log of who all went and found it. We wrote 12/15/12-Jackie's bday Holla! lol. I want to go find more now! It was fun!

So here are all the gifts that I have received! I got a Keurig!! Woot woot! I have wanted one FOREVER and I FINALLY have one. So I got the Keurig Machine from Michael and Josh, The Carousel and pretty ceramic coffee cup from Heather and her Hubster, I got the my coffee k cup and so vue cups from Alex and Heather F, I got a sweat set from Sallie and I need to add another photo. Grrr....I swear I took the photo but I cant seem to find it. But from Monica I received a SUPER soft blanket that is red and says love all over it with Hearts between each Love, 2 skeins of SUPER SOFT yarn, a bag of Ghiradrelli chocolates, and some spa bath and face stuff! This was all from my party I had on Saturday. My mom, dad, and sisters got me that nice soft and fluffy Black jacket! Michael's aunt got me that beautiful pink scarf that I wear everyday, my cousin made me that Breast Cancer blanket. Michael got me my green leather planner with the matching journal and this has helped me keep track of my appointments. I also was nominated and received a lucky elephant bracelet! I purchased those rose flowers and they have breast cancer ribbons hanging from them! I also want to mention that a group of my crochet ladies also send me gifts as well!! I was very surprised and just overjoyed! Love you ladies!

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeee there has been happiness through all this mess!!! I love you all and I love everything you all are doing for me! Mom, Dad, Brother, Sisters, Michael- Thank you for being my rocks!! Family and Friends all over THANK you for lifting me up and helping me smile through this rough time! We WILL make it through this!! I will do EVERYTHING I can in my power!!

I love you all!! Thank you!

PET Scan: The results

Please excuse the tears. I tried my best to keep it together.

PET Scan

Yesterday I had my PET Scan done. Nothing to big really. I mean all they were doing was checking to see that the cancer hasn't spread or anything like that lol. My appointment was at 9:45am and I was there on time! I got called back into the inject/prep room. They did a finger prick and tested my blood sugar and it came back 83. The nurse told me that was perfect! My dad went with me and OMG he talked and talked and talked lol. He was actually funny!

So the nurse leaves the room to go get my radioactive sugar! Oh ya!! She comes in carrying a HEAVY Lead box. In that box is the radioactive sugar. Holey moley kind of freaky. She than pulls out the radioactive syringe and that has a lead case around it as well!!! It was very weird but of course all the lead is for protection! I didn't feel it going in but I did feel the saline and I just hate that feeling!

She left me to be for 45 mins and those were some LONG BORING minutes. I couldn't talk or move much. I had to relax as the sugar circulated my body. So I just surfed the net on my phone. I was bored! I was wrapped up in blankets too....and bored.

The test was once again do not move. I did my best to not move and with my arms up above my head. My arms went numb blah!! Well I did my best to not move but I guess I twitched my nose not knowing. At the end I had to get my head re-scanned.

I was released to go and eat and boy was I hungry!! I ate so much!! The diet was no fun at all. I was starving! The above picture is what I left of my meal. I was overly stuffed!!

Oh ya I won't hear my results til Monday when I have my surgery consultation. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

Holey Crap Loaded with Appointments

That is right! I am getting loaded up with appointments. Last week the only appointment that I had for myself this week was my radiation consultation. Since Monday that has all changed! I had two appointments for the boys this week but I also got scheduled for a PET Scan tomorrow (Friday). This scan is to see if the cancer has gone anywhere else in my body. I am on a diet today and OMG it sucks. No carbs or sugars so I am very limited to what I can eat. I can have tons of veggies and meats as far as I know, oh and lots of water.

Next week I have FOUR appointments!! AHHHHH!!! Monday, my birthday, I have TWO appointments. One is with a plastic surgeon and the second is with my surgeon who will be performing my mastectomy. So this is kind of a big ordeal. My surgeon Dr. Cho called me and we talked about all the possibilities  Of course my insurance wouldn't have any In network plastic surgeons who work at Valley Medical. the hospital I'll be having my mastectomy done at. I could go with them but I would have to pay 50%. If I pick a doctor in network I don't pay anything, the insurance covers 100%. So I did find someone in network. So here is what my surgeon told me. I could have a new surgeon do my mastectomy; mind you one who hasn't been in the know since my diagnosis; and I could have the plastic surgery done as soon as the mastectomy is done with OR there is another option. The second option is that I can go with Dr. Cho and have my mastectomy and wait at a later date to get my reconstruction. As far as I am concerned I love my team of doctors I have. I feel very confident in them. I do not want to deal with a new surgeon who I do not feel comfortable with. So I will be one boob jack for a year :( it makes me sad but I think this will be the best in the end. The best cosmetic results have been after treatment is done. I will have a silicon implant (insert) to wear under my shirts so on the outside I will look normal but of course I will not be underneath. So I am going to go with Dr. Cho for my surgery, I just feel confident and comfortable with her since she has been there and she of course was the one to give me my diagnosis. I know I may have some physiological issues to deal with but that is why I have my therapist.

If my scan comes back negative for cancer being spread elsewhere we have my surgery scheduled!! Yes it is exciting BUT it is also nerve wrecking at the same time! My date as it stands right now is 28 December 2012. That is in TWO Weeks!!Am I prepared? AHHHH NO and I mean that as a BIG NO!! I want to get my treatment started so lets all pray that my scan comes back negative for cancer spread! I do not want to have to deal with that on top of everything else. I need good vibes, all kinds of positive things sent my way!!

So I have my surgery consultation on Monday along with my plastic surgery consultation too. Thursday I go back to see my oncologist and my Therapy session is later on that day as well. AHHHHH.......all these appointments! Its getting closer and closer to my journey! Excitement and nerves are rolling high today. I am excited but sad and that is fine!! I can be both! Anticipation at its finest! Well this is my update so far!!

Think positive thoughts, send positive vibes and positive prayers that Breast Cancer is the only thing I have to deal with. Pray that it didn't spread elsewhere. Thanks everyone.


XOXOXO,
Me

2 out of 3 scheduled!!

So far I feel better today than I did yesterday minus the little bit of pain I am experiencing right now. I have my PET scan scheduled on Friday to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else and my surgery consultation is scheduled for Monday. I am waiting for a call back with my appointment to talk to the plastic surgeon about reconstruction surgery of course! So I have 2 out of 3 appointments already made! Today I feel like things are moving forward. I feel good today. Just more of the waiting game but if I am patient things will happen.

So my friend Gretchen sent me a link to her friends blog post who is also going through chemo and has breast cancer and the same age as I am (29). I have been reading it and it is really good. Positive attitude and vibe she has while going through all of this and she is very real. As I was reading her friends blog I came about her Chemo Shopping List and was reading through it. Looks like I have some shopping to do!! Check it out. Read her story. I am not a beautiful writer like she is but I will be writing my story as I go through my journey. I am envious that she does not have to go through surgery like me. But it is still very sad that someone as young as me is dealing with all of this.

Well I am off to clean and study for a final (just encase they deny my medical withdrawal). I have both my boys back home and I was able to sleep a little bit better. I love those buggers!! I hope you all are having a fantastic day!


 LOVE,
 ME

I'm scared

I am not going to lie but I am absolutely scared. This whole breast cancer is just getting real and real each time. I know I have it I know I have to have treatment but I am not sure I have let it all sink in yet. It is sinking in little by little and I am so scared!! I know it is going to be a fight and I will come out winning but by golly am I really ready? How can I be ready? I don't feel prepared at all! What can I do to be prepared? How does one prepare to fight a battle like this? I don't have the slightest clue at all. I don't even know where to start to be honest. I am still positive but these thoughts do cross my mind. I am 100% sure that I will be coming out on top of this battler. I will have my victory but am I really ready for this fight? Do I feel ready? No, I don't feel ready at all.

Anyways...... I got the call with the biopsy results and cancer is in the arm pit as well. So my surgery will be the whole breast and the arm pit lymph nodes. I will be scheduled for a full body scan to make sure that the cancer has not spread to any other organ in my body. The bone scan came back negative so YAY no cancer in the bones. The doctor said that if it spread it would spread to the liver and than to the brain. Ya, so many thoughts going through my head. To many to be honest. All I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. I don't want this cancer to be any where else in my body. Isn't it enough that its in my breast and its taking that away?!?! Why would it want to invade other parts? If only it could speak back, huh?

Tomorrow I should be getting a call back with three appointments. One appointment will be the body scan, another with the surgeon and the third with a plastic surgeon to talk about reconstruction. So many ways of treatment are possible BUT we won't know the course 100% until ALL test procedures are done. I am still waiting on the genetic testing to see if the gene is in me or not. So not only will I have to wait for that but also this body scan. BLAH!!! I am already exhausted thinking of all of this.

I just wanted to give you the news I received. I am scared.

LONG WEEK!

All I can say is that I am glad the weekend is finally here!! This last week was just sooooo long and exhausting for me with all the appointments I had. I will try to make this post sweet and short but no promises. So here we go.......

Monday- It was a very hard day for me. I made a big decision that tore me but I had to do it. I decided to do a medical withdrawal from all my classes. Yes a week out from my finals. Why did I do a medical withdrawal? Well there was only one class I was doing good in and that is were all my focus was at. My two other classes got put on the back burners and I wasn't doing so well. What made me decide to do a medical withdrawal was when I was trying to do a test. I could not focus at all. No matter what I tried I could no focus on the test. I got up and left the testing center only finishing what I could on the test. I knew it wasn't fair to me to try to continue and be happy with the grades I received. I knew that I deserved better grades under different circumstances. I did my best to try and finish out this quarter with good grades but it just wasn't working. I cried over this and in the end I know I made the right decision. Some people may think I could of completed or some may not understand why or some may think I have failed. I did something I needed to do and it was the hardest thing. No I did not waste 3 months for nothing. One person doesn't know how they would do a certain thing unless they are in my shoes and going through the same thing. Everyone handles things differently and no two people handle things the same way. This was the best decision for me.

Tuesday- In anatomy class we did an eyeball dissection and that was fun. I had my Bone scan that day as well. It was very long and exhausting! I had to check in at 1 pm to get contrast out in me and than I had to go back at 4pm to do the scan. Well, my sister and I go lost on the way to Tacoma General and we were a little late. After the contrast was put in we went to the mall for a little bit and met up with my Friend Sam. We had lunch and headed back to the hospital. The bone scan was way better than the MRI, not as scary. I had to lay still on this bed and not move a muscle. You know how are it is to lay still, be calm and breathe normal? LOL, it was hard for me. I ended up taking a nap during the scan. Go the scan done and didn't get home til 6pm that night. The boys grandparents from out of town got here around 8pm or so. Jamison had passed out early so I just took CJ and dropped him off at the motel that they are staying at.

Wednesday- was a regular normal day. I went to classes and that was it no appointments.

Thursday- BIOPSY Day!! Ya not so exciting. My mom went with me and I am glad that she did. The biopsy on my lymph nodes in my armpit HURT!! I cried!! It was so, so, so, so painful. I could feel almost everything. The pain was to the breaking point of passing out. I usually do well with biopsy's but this one really hurt so bad. My stomach went in knots and I started to over-heat and was getting cold. Not good. I was so glad when it was all over. I was very sore (I still am sore today). This day was very interesting day. Before my biopsy I experienced something pretty awesome. I was sleeping and my sisters were up getting ready for school. My feet where sticking outside of my blankets and they got tickled. I kicked away or tried to kick away whoever was tickling me and I moved my feet. Well, my feet got tickled a second time!! So I stuck my feet inside my blankets. At this time I thought it was my mother or my sisters messing with me but the thing is I didn't hear my bedroom door open or close. Than after my feet went into my blanket I felt a depression next to me on the bed. I thought it was the cat but I knew that the cat wasn't in my room. I rolled over to where the I felt the depression was and there was nothing. I wasn't scared at all. So I got up and go ready. I told me therapist about this and she had an interesting view on it. Many of my friends and family believe it is my angel watching over me and I agree. My therapist believes that I was being told that I was not being forgotten and that all prayers are being heard that during this time of difficulty I will be able to laugh, have fun and enjoy life. :)

Friday- I had my heart scan done. I had to go back to Tacoma General to get this test done. I went in and they put and IV in and took some blood. They made my blood radioactive but some saline in and my blood back into my body. But the feeling of having saline and blood put back into your veins is just so weird! I could feel it! Once everything was in I had to shake my arm to get rid of the weird feeling!! I had to lay still once again and breathe normal. I fell asleep again so my heart rate was as normal as can be!

Saturday- I went to go watch my sons last soccer game. It was fun of course. He did hurt himself but after his tears where done with and encouragement given he went back onto the field. He received a trophy, a medal and an award. He was super happy!! His grandparents, me and his brother went to go eat some pizza after the game. I ended up leaving them to go do my normal Saturday thing. I went home talked to my family and waited for Michael to come. Michael came and we went Christmas shopping. That was pretty fun but I had to stop before I made myself flat broke, lol! We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and I enjoyed some wine. I sent a text message to my friend Heather and we met up with her and her hubby for some drinks. It was so fun! Lots of laughs and fun. So overall yesterday was a great day and a very much needed one.

As far as today goes I am going to try to take it easy! It is very cold outside......brrrrr......I will eventually go down the hill and go see my boys. Yes, I can not be away from my boys for long without missing them. I do not know how I am going to do it when they leave for the summer to visit their dad. But Sorry for the long post. I will try to be a little bit better about that. This coming week I have a bunch of appointments to go and do BUT thank goodness they are not all for me!! Well I hope you all had a good week and a great weekend so far.