Recovery

So I slacked off and missed about a week or so of blogging! I was doing so good to with it all! BUT I have a reason for this though! This past Sunday, August 21st was my son's 4th birthday! My mother and I were SUPER busy with getting everything done. We had some late nights! I will say it was so worth it all in the end! So with all the late nights and stressing it took me about a week to recover. I am getting older, I can just tell. I am not as young as I use to be. So not that CJ's birthday is done with its time to start planning Jamison's 1st party! Time is flying!

So I will update what has happened! I dealt with someone who was being selfish! Go figure right? Its ok though I got it under control! I put my foot down and that was that. Friday was an awesome day and night in General! I got some much needed help and it lifted a heavy weight off of my shoulders. It seriously gave me breathing room and a sense of accomplishment! Friday night my older sister and her Family came over to my parents place and she cooked dinner for us. It was so AMAZING and that food was awesome! I want more! It was nice having the whole FAMILY here at my moms enjoying laughing and tears. It was great family time. Something that we need to do more often! I didn't go to bed til 3am on Friday night and had to get up early with the baby on Saturday!

Saturday was another family BBQ, I tell you we have been doing something EVERY weekend since we have moved back. Its been awesome and tiring! I really missed it all when I was away. I just missed the who family feeling of everything. The love that surrounds us now is so much more then I ever asked. I think I kind of forgot what it was like to have so much loving and caring family around! So after the BBQ I met up with my friend and we went to Chuck E Cheese! Thank you for taking us there CJ had a great time. We didn't get home til almost midnight. We were having fun, what do you expect? I was late getting home and I felt horrible because my mom finished up the goodie bags all by herself that I was suppose to help her with!

The BIG Day arrived! Got up at 8am. I think we were out of the house at like 9 I think, I can't really remember. We left CJ passed out with his aunts and My mom, dad, Jamison and I took off to get everything done! Dad went to the park and got us a good spot. Mom, Jamison and I ran to the Dollar Tree to get some Balloons and picked up a few extra last minute items. Mom set up the area while I ran to go get the Birthday boy and his Aunts! Phew there was a TON of running around going on!

So when we got back to the park with the Birthday Boy this is what was on the table

Isn't this cake amazing?? I LOVED it so much! CJ LOVED it too! OMG did it just taste soo DELICIOUS! This is the cake that my COUSIN did for CJs birthday!  You should go check out her Page over on Facebook and see other cakes that she has done! Her facebook Page is Stellar Cakes & Cupcakes. If you haven't stopped by I think you should. You won't be Disappointed at all! She's a super lovely person to work with.

Here is what we did as for the rest of the party area in General.

It was a Mickey Mouse Party! So we had to do Mickey Mouse!! My sister over at Vixen Ware (you should check her page out too) screen printed the shirts for us! We added bows onto the shirts for the girls and left the boys shirts plain! My mother did the Goody Bags and the water bottles! I will have her Tutorial up on the water bottles over on my other blog www.craftyjonescreations.blogspot.com so keep an eye out for that! I think everything came along just right! CJ LOVED everything. We had balloons but we had to move it because the wind was just blowing them all over the place.

Overall my son had a GREAT Time! He was so excited that he turned 4 and that everyone showed up to Celebrate his special day with him! I am so glad that he loved everything that his grandma and I did for him! I would do it all over again just to be able to see and experience the pure joy he had that day! Everything in his world was just perfect for him and it showed!

Until Next time! I promise I will keep this up! It helps me so very much to share and get things off my chest! I wish CJs friends could of been here to celebrate his special day with us.

Ain't No one gonna Hold me down

Well the title says is all! I am not going to let anyone hold me down. I am tired of feeling like I am getting held down. I have given plenty of chances to sort this out and with no success at all. I am a grown woman who needs to provide for her children. I am taking the next step in my situation.

Once I get this done I think I will feel a sense of relief lifted off my shoulders. I will be able to relax a bit and not worry all the time. Things are slowly going to get better. I know this, I feel it deep down inside. Good things will happen for the boys and I!!

Just wanted to put out that I feel the wheels turning. I feel it inside, deep down! I am scared and excited about it all. One day at a time. One step at a time. It will all come together. I know it will. There is no choice for anything else! I need to shine and feel like myself again. Well as close to my normal self as I can!

Today was just an up and down day. BUT I managed and I accepted the feelings I was dealing with and let them go. My eyes are WIDE open! NO ONE will EVER have a hold on me again! I am taking the lead now! Tough luck! Sorry but this is just something that HAS to be done! I gave chances and it was thrown back in my face. I was being civil now its time to play.

So yes I am moving forward. My wheels are in full motion. NOTHING is going to stop me!

Pinning Overload

So last night one of my best friends and I got into a little argument. It wasn't fun at all and in the end we both were hurting. I hate when I eat my own words. I have always had an issue with getting my words out the right way. I say them PERFECTLY in my head but when it comes to saying or typing them out it goes all haywire. It gets lost in the transaction and in the end I am left hurting because it was not how I  meant it to be said! Then it bites me in the ass! So this is something that I have to fix. Something that hurt my marriage as well. The funny thing though is that people who TRULY know me know that I have a hard time getting my words to come out the right way. If only they could get into my head and read/hear what I wanted to say in the first place.

So I needed to see words of encouragement, words of wisdom, just anything to life me up. Thank goodness for Pinterest. That site is AWESOME! If you don't have an account there you should! Its something new and different. Anyways here are a few saying that really got to me and I will explain.

This really hit me hard last night. This has so much truth to it, it unbelievable. I needed to be reminded that he has control of everything! The part that really got to me was the to leave you part. There is a reason why I am here. He has a plan for me! He is molding me to be the person that he has ALWAYS wanted me to be with the experiences that I need to achieve his goal. I just need to remind myself that every person who is in my life and who has been in my life in the past there was always a purpose where they are with me still or not.

Well I think that I am doing pretty well with dancing in the rain right now! I have found happiness and I have been able to laugh during this situation. I am still learning how to continue dancing in the rain instead of getting swarmed by the storm! Its a struggle at times but the dancing part is amazing. I am surprised that I have been able to dance in the rain and I will continue to learn to do more dancing!

THIS is SO true! This is something that I am learning to do! Its hard I tell ya. Right now I am NOT 100% happy with who I am right at this moment. I feel like I failed at something that I shouldn't have. When I come to accept that this wasn't all my fault I will be much happier. I am on the road to being happy about who I am! I WILL have my happiness back to 100% once again!

In order to love someone else I need to love myself first! When I can love myself again I will be able to give my heart away. Until til I am learning how to love myself once more 100%.

Acceptance! Yes I need to accept what happened in my past and move on. I don't want to because it hurts but in order to move forward I need to. I will never understand the reasoning behind everything that has happened to me in the past. I would NEVER want to change or erase it. My past is what has conditioned and molded me into the person that I am today and the person I will be in the future. I will EMBRACE my past and LEARN from it. If I didn't do that I would never learn from it! So its time to accept it and move on!

This is the last I am going to leave you all with. If he brings you to it; he will bring you through it! This is SOOO true! This is NOT the first struggle I have had in my life. I asked him what he wanted of me and he brought me to it. Even though its killing me inside I know that I will get through it. He will NEVER give me something that he KNOWS I couldn't handle. I am strong and with Him in my life I am even stronger! I will get through this and come out on Top!

These are JUST a SMALL few of the huge list of words that helped me last night. Everything in life happens for a reason and has a purpose. It my hurt so much right now and think that you can't get through it but you will. I know I will get through this. I know that because I am hurting so much I have WONDERFUL people in my life who have brought me so much happiness in this time when I never thought I could laugh or smile! I will get through this struggle. I will be stronger then I ever was before. I will be able to conquer all that is put before me, well at least try for the most part. Thank you for putting me through this. I think this lesson in my life will have a HUGE effect on my future and how I handle things. My life will be so much better because of you.

Trust and Faith

How do I trust again? When the person that I trusted something with so special to me could just toss it to the side in a blink of an eye. I want to trust again whole heartily but how can I do that again? I mean, come on I believed in my marriage vows that I took and trusted that he would be here for better or worse. We had worse for a moment and off he went.

I want to trust again. Trust is another one of those important foundations in a relationship. I can trust someone but the question is can I trust them enough to hold my heart? I one day will want someone to hold my heart but my question is do i take the chance at trusting them to hold it? I know that it will take awhile to trust my heart in someone's hand again. I just hope the person I am with is understanding because the wait is well worth it.

This isn't my first divorce, this is going to be my second. I was young and I had to get go of my first husband. I didn't realize the pain that he went and dealt with when going through our divorce. It took me years to finally write to him and to apologize for the way I acted and the pain that I put him through. He is now happily married and just had a baby. It took me to be in this situation to realize the pain he probably went through. Where I am has opened my eyes big time. I was blindsided by the person I loved. No one should EVER have to deal with being blindsided by someone that they trusted. Nor should anyone have to deal with the pain and hurt that one goes through.

I have faith that I will love again. I have faith that I will get married once more. I have not lost faith in. most people probably would if they were in my shoes. I thought that I was married to my soul mate but that's not the case. If he was my soul-mate he would be here and not have left the way he did. there is someone out there for me. Love heals all wounds as well as time.

I will learn to trust again but it will take time. this heart of mine has gone through so much but in the end it will be stringer. I will have learned from my mistakes. I will love with all of my heart one day because I still have faith in love and will learn hot to trust once more.

I know that my journey to recovering will be a long one. As I walk through my journey I will learn to be able to trust once again. I will become the person that I lost years ago and be even better. I will be stronger. I will be  more wise. In the end I will trust and I will never lose faith in anything.


****Sorry I know this post was all over the place. There was a point to it but I lost where I was going with it. So all I did was just continued it, lol. Sorry about that!*****

Realization

Over the years of being with someone for so long you tend to forget about the simple joys of the relationship. Not sure what I'm talking about? I'm talking about the tender kiss placed on the forehead at the perfect moment. That welcomed but yet unexpected hug around your waist when you are not paying attention. The cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show. Holding hands while in public. Just letting them/her know how special they are.

We become to complacent in the relationship that we slowly stop doing the above mentioned things. The list can go on and on of the little but important actions that we forget to do. To me all of what we forget is what keeps the spark going. Letting them know how much they mean to you out of the blue. Letting them/her know how beautiful/handsome they are. Telling him/her how beautiful you see them without words but with the look in your eyes.

I've realized all of this since I moved out here to WA. I have had time to reflect on the relationship/marriage that I had. I realized that we stopped the cuddling, the hand holding and all the small things that make a womans heart (at least mine) pitter patter or make you feel those high school butterflies. We became complacent in our relationship/marriage and routine took over. There's nothing wrong with routine but still keep the spark going!

What female doesn't want to feel special? To see the look in your boyfriend/spouse/partner's eye know that they only have eyes for you and no one else could take that stare away is what everyone wants in a relationship. To have that and to be able to keep it would be awesome. To those who do have all this and more I think it's just amazing!

Relationships and marriages are a job on their own. If you don't work at it, it won't last. Each person needs to put everything into it. You can't have one person who is putting in 100% and the other only 50%. Both people need to put the same amount into it for it to be successful.

Since my situation I have be able to talk to Chuck's cousin a lot. She is an amazing person and her outlook on life and marriage are just as amazing! Happiness- it comes and it goes. It's something that needs to be worked on in a marriage or a serious realtionship. You need to make yourself happy. If something is making you unhappy address the issue. To make it work both need to put in the same amount of effort.

So I got off track for this post, lol. Go figure I went off and couldn't stop typing. My point is that I want to feel those butterflies in my belly all the time!! I want to know and feel that I am the only one that  that person wants to be with. But I also want the person I am with to feel the same. I want to be able to trust the person I am with. To know that they won't crush my heart. My heart has been crushed one to many times. This last time almost completely destroyed me. I want to feel safe in someone's arms again. I want to love and be loved again. Not to worry if I am making the person happy because I will just know by the site of him and his presence that I make him 100% happy.

Have I experienced the gittiness of the butterflies in my belly? Yes! Of course I have! Do I miss it? Hell Yes I miss it! I have been told that I am beautiful when I felt like I looked liked crap. I have experienced so much and realized how much I have missed it all. Also I realized how much of all this lacked in my marriage. Having the spark and working on making yourself happy is what will keep your relationship strong. Don't give up! Work on it! It's a commitment. Don't just throw it to the side like it's a piece of trash! Remember whether you know it or not you have somes delicate heart in your hands! Take care of it the person seriously trusts you enough for you to hold it so hold it gently. If you have to let the heart go do it ever so gently as well. Don't just go up to them and be like see your heart in my hands? Now see me crush it! It's not cool! Trust Me that happened to me and its not the greatest feeling at all. I almost didnt make this last heart crushing that was handed to me.

Well I am ending this post. If you read this, awesome. Remember these are my own ramblings and thoughts that I have put down. You may not agree with what I say and you may who knows. They may have made sense and they may have not made sense. My thoughts! Til next time.

Once AGAIN!!

Once again for the Billionth time I am so horrible at blogging. I do ok for a bit and then I just stop. It maybe because I do the same thing in my life every day. It's pretty much routine, so I feel like eh why write what I did today when its exactly the same that I did the day before, lol. So ONCE again I am here to play catch up to what has happened in my life. Oh the fun and joyous long blog post you are in for! I will do my best to not make it OVERLY long, but no promises!

So my life has done a 360 and then some. I am now a single mom (not my choice at all) :( thats just a long, sad and painful story. So the short version to how I became a single mom is this. Husband came home from a work trip, said he wasnt happy and wanted a separation. He didnt like how I reacted to his suggestion ( I was in complete utter shock, what do you expect?) so now he wants a divorce.

My 2 boys and I moved back to my home, WA and we are staying with my parents. We have been here since this past June. Its been hard for me to deal with all of it but I do have a strong support system to help me through the tough times. I am so thankful and grateful for everyone who is in my life and who is sticking with me as I am going through this big life change. My boys are adjusting, I don't expect them to understand at all because they are only 4yrs old and 11months. We are ALWAYS doing something on the weekends so we are keeping busy. Thank you to my family for keeping us busy.
My cousins have kids that are my sons age and my nieces and nephew are awesome with CJ. He LOVES going to family gatherings because he has TONS of kids to play with. I tell you having a big family is such a blessing in disguise.

So with this life change I am going from being a stay at home mom of 4 years to trying to get back into the work force so I can provide for my Children. Its hard with the way the economy is right now. I am not giving up hope at all. I have my goals that I want to reach and I will get to them one way or another. By boys are my driving force when I think the world has gone against me! I am getting help for myself to help deal woth all of this. This is such a HUGE step for me because I think this is my way of accepting that there is nothing that is going to happen between my husband and I. I need to get on with my life and better myself for the boys and I.

My friends that I have and the new ones I have made and the ones I have reconnected with they are freaking awesome! You know I realized that I REALLY lost who I was! I am slowly finding myself each and every day! I have been able to laugh with all my heart and smile with everything in me and mean it! Yes I am going through a LOT right now and NEVER would of thought that I could laugh, smile and have fun. My friends have done this for me. They are slowly helping me find ME!

Everyone in my life is just so supportive and they are each helping me heal through all of this. Yes I have lost some friends because of this whole ordeal but you know what? They were never really my true friends to began with if something like this stopped them from being my friend. I have met new people and they are just as awesome and fit perfectly in my life. Right now in my life I can say that I am truely happy. Ya my situation that I am in sucks big time and I wish this were different or that it could be Aug 2012 already but I am rolling with the punching and brushing nonsense off of my shoulders.

I KNOW that the future is bright for me! I just need to learn to be patient and accept the help that I am getting. I will be there and return the favor and help to each and every person who stood and helped me out in the darkest time of my life! All I can say is that if I didnt have my family or my friends to help hold me on my two feet I don't know how I would of dealt with this. The future for my boys and I are bright.

I hope this wasn't to long. I will do my very best to keep this updated a little bit better. Til Next time!