I'm Terrified

One week from today I start my chemotherapy. I am terrified. I am not going to put a smile and tell you all that I am not scared because the truth is is that I am terrified. This is one of my hard days if you can tell just by the first couple of sentences. I do not feel like I am prepared at all. Some days I wish I would wake up from this horrible dream but I have to remind myself that this battle I am facing is my reality. This is a short post. I just needed to get this out that I am terrified and I do not know what to expect. If any one has any advice please let me know. Advice in regards to chemo. Things you wish you would of known or had with you to prepare for what is to come, if that makes sense? Well I hope you all are having a wonderful day. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

It's NOT temporary!!

So I keep hearing it's only temporary, it's only temporary. Listen here! It is NOT temporary. I lost a part of me that makes me a woman. A part that I was able to use to feed my children with as infants. I not only lost a part of me but I also lost range of motion in my arm. Yes a breast may be just a breast to some of you but look MY breast will never be my own again. Yes I will have another breast BUT it is not the one I was born to have. The new breast will be one that was made to help me feel more like a woman after my own breast was taken from me. I didn't have a choice as to whether I could keep my breast or not. It had to go. I am sorry but it is not temporary issue. I will deal with the loss of my breast for a very long time. Every time I will look at my chest I will be reminded of what was taken.

As for the range of motion issues what is that ask? I had 15 out of 20 lymph nodes removed from my armpit. I do not have the ability to extend my arm fully above my head. Will I ever be? I don't know. I have FIVE lymph nodes in my arm pit and you probably have 20 (all of them). I will never be able to have any procedures done on my left arm. I may get lymphedema (google it). My arm can not excrete any access fluid that what is naturally produced in my body. I don't have a working left arm like probably most of you do.

So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not tell me it is only temporary. It is not. I have a life time of struggles with this that I will have to overcome. I know that you all are trying to help lighten my mood and get my spirits up but I can't take it. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Clothed or unclothed, I just cant face what is looking back at me. I look deformed. It is hard. I am not going to lie. I probably only look at myself for MAYBE 30 secs a day and that is to brush my teeth and my hair. I don't even look in the mirror when I wash my hands. I can not stand to see myself right now! I know it is sad but it is the TRUTH. It is the UGLY truth

I am opening myself up here. I promised you I would take you with me along this journey. And I am keeping that promise to you all. This is the UGLY of the fight for my life with cancer. If you have a weak stomach than don't look at the photos below. I am going to show you what I have to deal with. What my body looks like. What cancer took away from me. It is not pretty but this is the reality that I am living. So MAYBE when you want to say, "It's only temporary" you will think twice before saying it. If you have a weak stomach do not look. I am being open with you all. I am showing you all what I am going through. If you want to comment with something rude than just don't do it. I don't need it. If I see it I have no problem deleting it.
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.Don't go further if you do not want to see the pictures I have posted. This is the ugly truth that I get to live with. Please do not be offended by these pictures. This is part of my journey. An obstacle I have to overcome.

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This is how I look in clothes. I am lopsided. Excuse my mess on my shirt.

This is how I looked wrapped.

What I face every time I take the bandage off.

More of the ugly truth. See how far it goes?

You can't sit here and tell me this is temporary.

The good, the bad and the ugly!

Let's face it ,cancer is not pretty at all. It is a nasty illness/disease that people get and it royally sucks. It sucks for the person who got suckered punched in the stomach with the diagnosis and for their family and friends who feel helpless. Sometimes I wish that I am just dreaming a nasty night mare and I will wake up and be like man that dream sucked. But the reality is, is that I do have cancer and I am not dreaming. I am living in one of the worst nightmares ever. Yes I pick up my feet and I keep walking by taking one step at a time but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that it wasn't me. I know/feel that I can beat this but still its going to be one of the hardest battles I will ever have to encounter. After all this is said and done there is nothing that can or will stop me from achieving whatever it is that I want to achieve.

So far with having to face this scary disease I have encountered the good, bad, and some of the ugly. I want to share with you all everything that I am going through. I never promised that it was going to always be good. I do want to try to post positive stuff but lets face it, I will have bad days. I want to share these bad days with you all. I want to show you all the rawness that one deals with. But it wont all be ugly or bad. Battling cancer will not be a cake walk. It will not be easy. I may fall a few times here and there but let me tell you all of your support will help me get right back up and continue to fight. 

I have had plenty of people tell me that if I need anything to let them know. If you know me you know how hard it is for me to ask for help for anything! I am trying to figure out ways for those who want to help can help even with being so far away. I do know that my mom is making a few things related to breast cancer and all the money that is made will go to me to help with anything I need help with. Anything that I make from selling items in my shop will help me out as well. I am looking at ways to have people donate if they wish too. I am a single mom of two very special little boys who mean the world to me. It is hard on me and on them. I am not working and I had to stop going to school to focus on getting healthier and fight this cancer. I will post more info when I get it all set up and what not.

So back to my topic. This past weekend was very hard on me. I don't know why but it was. I was very excited that I could lift my left arm up a little more. Since my surgery I haven't had full range of motion with my left arm. I start physical therapy for that here soon! So I took a shower and was hoping that I could finally shave my left armpit (sorry tmi) but I couldn't lift my arm enough to even try. It is weird not being able to feel what you are doing. I am not going to lie I cried. I finished my shower and once I got out I just started bawling. I do not like the fact that I can't do something so simple as just shaving my armpit. I don't like the fact that I can't do a nice stretch when I wake up in the mornings. I do not like being limited. I went from a person who could stretch and shave her armpit to someone who is restricted. It is not easy but I am hoping that I can get back to a somewhat normal range of motion with therapy.So I cried about that! I know childish but it is the truth!

I was just an emotional wreck that day. I thought I had pulled it together by the time that Michael came and got the boys and I but I didn't. I cried on the way to lunch and I cried while we were having lunch. I don't like talking to much about my breast cancer unless I am the one talking about it. I don't want people to look at me as a cancer patient. I want them to look at me as me! I don't think anyone will ever know how  much cancer effects a person. I get in my moods when I don't want to talk about anything. I get in my moods when all I want is to just be hugged. I get in moods where I just stare off and I don't even know what I am looking at let alone thinking about. No one will ever know what losing my breast has done to me. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I am uneven on the chest. I will always have my scar right there! Ya I will get to have reconstruction and I will get new breast but the reason why is not how I ever imagined getting new breasts. I had no choice in the removal of my breast. It had to go! I didn't have a choice to say oh lets do chemo and see if it'll shrink. Nope I didn't get to say that. There was no choice because my nipple was involved in the cancer. I can't put into words how upsetting it is to lose a body part. I joke around saying I have a boy chest on the left side and a woman's chest on the right side. I am trying to cope with the loss and it is hard. But it is one step to fighting the cancer.

So Saturday just wasn't my day at all. I just wanted to get out and be busy doing something, anything. Well for some reason we had to be back at my house by 4:30 and I was a bit upset. I didn't want to watch football. I didn't want to be home at all. I wanted to be out and about enjoying what I could. I just didn't know what was so important that we had to be back at 4:30. I was doing my best to be happy. To seem ok but I just wasn't. I was irritated that my day out was cut short but I had a whatever mind set lol. My sister was going back and forth with phone calls and the laptop. Had no idea what was going on. So I ignored it and went on with whatever it was I was doing.

Than one more call and my mom was called to the front room and they took the football game off the TV. They were doing a skype call. I figured they were messing around and I wasn't very please. Well than the picture popped up and it was my family in California! There was a lot of them and they were wearing pink. I still didn't have a clue what was going on. They asked where I was and I went to the computer and said hi. Well it was a surprise skype call for me. My family was showing their support! I am crying as I write this lol because it means so much to me. They wanted to show their support even though we are so far away from each other. They planned the get together and the skype call. I was able to talk to everyone and heard all the words of support and love. It was absolutely amazing. I cried. It touched my heart and I am so happy that I have such an amazing family and such an amazing support group. This is not the first time someone in our family has battled breast cancer. This is the third time that we have battled breast cancer. This is not the only cancer my family has had to battle either. I have a strong line of fighters and survivors in my family and this gives me hope. Hope that I will beat this and join them in the survivor category. I love my family and they are the best. Here are a small amount of photos that I snagged from my cousin Noemi. 



Thanks for reading my post. Smile and don't take the little things in life for granted. Take care of yourself because you never know if tomorrow it will turn to the worse.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes...

Sometimes I lay at night in my room listening to my boys sleep while I weep.

Sometimes I ask why me? And wonder if I am strong enough for what is ahead of me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will know when it's time for me to go if it is my time to go at all.

Sometimes I sit and cry for my boys, family and friends who are having to see me go through this.

Sometimes I think about all the what ifs.

Sometimes I forget that I have this evil thing in me.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to have to deal with what I have.

Sometimes I cry for myself. Haven't I been through enough?

Sometimes I feel like my life isn't my life. That it is someone else's life.

Sometimes I look at pictures from a year ago and cant understand how or why it went from bad to worse.

Sometimes I look at these pictures and wonder who the lady is looking back at me is?

Sometimes I wish I was the old healthy me.

Sometimes I forget what lays ahead of me in my journey.

Sometimes I lay in bed and cry because that's all I can do.

Sometimes........

Another information Overload

Oh yes, yesterday was information overload! I had my Oncology appointment in the morning yesterday to hear what my oncologist wanted to do. We talked about the two most common chemo treatments and what he thought would be best. I listened to what he was saying and made my decision. The first Chemo cocktail contained 4 drugs that would be used and one of them would cause heart failure. With me being young he didn't want me to get heart failure way before my time and I agree. So we went with the second option and those side affect are: tingly, numbness in the fingers and toes and hearing loss. I will take those over early heart failure. So it was a lot of information being thrown at me. I honestly forgot how many cycles he said it would be. I do know that my chemo session will be about 5 hours.

So here are the drugs that we will use for chemo. I will be on Herceptin (indefinitely) and this medicine knows exactly where to go. It will target just the cancer cells. The other two medicines are Carboplatin and Taxotere and these two target everything. So these medications are the ones for chemo. It seriously is/was total information overload.

I also know that some of you are wondering about the MRI that I had on my spine and I did ask my oncologist about the results. Well the PET scan did show a spot which was a hot spot on my L-5 so I was sent to have an MRI on my lumbar. The MRI did show the spot. My oncologist said that it is a possibility that I may have cancer on that spot. They can not be 100% sure if it is cancer or not unless they do a biopsy. Well my oncologist doesn't want to do a biopsy because its close to a nerve that they do not want to damage. So through out chemo he will keep an eye on it to see if it stays the same or shrinks. We won't know what that spot it. This past summer I did mess up my back and it was very painful to sit down so who knows it could be that but like I said we don't know.

I go back to see my oncologist on the 31st of this month. I hope that we start Chemo that day. If not than we will be sure to schedule my chemo. I will do my Chemo first and than radiation and that I will be taking hormone replace me for the rest of my life.

I also want to tell you that yesterday I saw my surgeon and I got my drain taken out!! Woohoo! That was very exciting but eh!! The feeling of it being removed was so weird but so glad that it is gone! I do have to get a fitting for the silicon insert that I will need so I need to make an appointment for that. Oh and I have to schedule my Occupational therapy for my arm. That was a pain to try to find a doctor who treats lymphodema.

Getting the drain removed.

Thank you for reading my posts and thank you for all your support you all are the best. I will be showing you all everything during my journey. This will be all about the good, bad, and ugly that I am going through so there will be some post that may be hard for those with a weak stomach. Love you all.

My Journey of Surgery

Ok I am feeling good enough to get on a computer and to write a post. I know it has been a week since my surgery but I am feeling better. This post is going to take you on a journey of the 28th of Dec to now. I will post some pictures. If you have a weak stomach I am sorry. I am posting photos so hopefully they are not to bad for you.

So Friday, December 28, 2012 was the day of my surgery. I got up at 5:00am and my mom, dad, brother, sister and I were out the door at 5:30 am to get to the hospital at 6am. Yes I was very nervous and I really didn't sleep that much the night before! So we get there and we check in. The guy at the check in counter was very nice! The hospital is pretty nice itself!

Here is a nice little water display thing that they had in the waiting area and my wrist band. I didn't wait to long before I got called back. My mom went back with me to get ready for surgery. I was only allowed one person so she came back there.

So we go to the back where I am getting prep for surgery. Lots of questions and everything! I get my cute little hair net on and I have like four warm blankets on me because I am FREEZING!!  But I was trying to stay as relaxed as I could. I was updating my group and letting everyone know what was going on. 

So I get my IV in (YUMMY). It didn't hurt to bad because I got numbed up BEFORE they put it in which was pretty cool. As you can see I am all tagged up with my bracelets so they know who I am. I got to talk to  the anesthesiologist too before I went under. She was very nice and sweet. Felt very comfortable too. She offered me a sedative to calm me before I went in for surgery and I was all for it!

So as my mom and I are sitting in the room relaxing as best we can we hear over the intercom Dr. Cho has arrived. I am her first patient!!! Holy crud its almost time!! Ya kind of getting jittery now! So she comes into the room and I let her know that I decided just to do the left breast only and not the double mastectomy, That I know I can choose to have the second one removed later on and that I just want to get the left breast done and over with so we can start with Chemo. So she marks me! There is the mark she drew on me so she knows to that that one only! My own little tattoo from my surgeon lol!! So after the surgeon and I talked she went to the OR to get ready and the nurses came back into the room to get me ready to head back!

I can honestly tell you that I don't remember a lot of things once I was wheeled back to the OR. I said my I love yous to my sister, brother and parents but I thought it was before I went back into the waiting bed area lol. But I did tell them bye and that I love them according to my mom who wasn't all drugged up like I was. The next thing that I remember is that they switched me to another bed and I was laying to down and they asked me to move up on the pillow and that is ALL I remember lol.

So the cool thing about this hospital is that they having a paging system and they have a update on the surgery. So my parents knew what was going on during my surgery and they had a special number for me. 

My mom kept everyone posted through Facebook  I told her that she needed to keep everyone posted on my phone to let them know what was going on. She did it and she did a good job, Thank you mom! So the next thing I know is that I am waking up to a nurse asking me if I am doing ok and if I have any pain. I wasn't in the recovery room to long. I was having some low blood pressure and some tachycardia. I got sent to my room and it was nice to be out of the recovery area.

I was so hungry that all I cared about was getting some food. Ya well I got food but I couldn't keep it down!! It was the worst feeling EVER!! I hate throwing up! I tried a banana but as soon as I got up to use the bathroom the banana came right back up! I couldn't sleep, my mind was just going a million miles a minute! I got some stronger meds for my nausea and once that worked I could EAT! I was very happy when I could eat. 

My younger sister Sonia, my sister Vickie, my parents and Michael came and saw me on Friday. But I wasn't much of a host. All I wanted to do was sleep. Once I got my Xanax I was able to sleep and that was very nice. My friend Dee stopped by on Saturday and visited me! I was not expecting it at all but it was very nice. My Aunt Noell and my Tio Ruben also came and saw me Saturday.

One of the Nurses put a note on my board. Or at least I think it was one of the Nurses.

Me in my bed happy that I can eat!

My mom and I

This is what my chest looks like. It isn't pretty and I am sorry about it. I don't like it either but the majority of the cancer is out. You can see the bruising. The other two bandages is where my port is at.

My bar scan! Oh ya! This was kind of cool. Every time they gave me medicine they scanned me! Woot woot!!

Ahhh the EVIL IV is finally out. It was starting to hurt really bad!

Side view of my chest, You can see how much of the breast tissue was taken. ALL of the breast tissue was taken. You can see the indentation.

Being wheeled out

Yay! Out of the hospital on the way home!!

 So I am still recovering from my surgery. I had to stop taking my pain meds because they were causing me some horrible headaches!!! I am not loopy anymore and I don't have anymore horrible headaches!! I am moving my arm so I don't get stiff but it's getting better. I had my post op today but I will write about that later I am getting tired and need to go rest.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and comments. You do not know HOW much it means to me and how much it has helped me get through all of this so far. You all are the best!