Thursday, January 17, 2013

It's NOT temporary!!

So I keep hearing it's only temporary, it's only temporary. Listen here! It is NOT temporary. I lost a part of me that makes me a woman. A part that I was able to use to feed my children with as infants. I not only lost a part of me but I also lost range of motion in my arm. Yes a breast may be just a breast to some of you but look MY breast will never be my own again. Yes I will have another breast BUT it is not the one I was born to have. The new breast will be one that was made to help me feel more like a woman after my own breast was taken from me. I didn't have a choice as to whether I could keep my breast or not. It had to go. I am sorry but it is not temporary issue. I will deal with the loss of my breast for a very long time. Every time I will look at my chest I will be reminded of what was taken.

As for the range of motion issues what is that ask? I had 15 out of 20 lymph nodes removed from my armpit. I do not have the ability to extend my arm fully above my head. Will I ever be? I don't know. I have FIVE lymph nodes in my arm pit and you probably have 20 (all of them). I will never be able to have any procedures done on my left arm. I may get lymphedema (google it). My arm can not excrete any access fluid that what is naturally produced in my body. I don't have a working left arm like probably most of you do.

So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not tell me it is only temporary. It is not. I have a life time of struggles with this that I will have to overcome. I know that you all are trying to help lighten my mood and get my spirits up but I can't take it. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Clothed or unclothed, I just cant face what is looking back at me. I look deformed. It is hard. I am not going to lie. I probably only look at myself for MAYBE 30 secs a day and that is to brush my teeth and my hair. I don't even look in the mirror when I wash my hands. I can not stand to see myself right now! I know it is sad but it is the TRUTH. It is the UGLY truth

I am opening myself up here. I promised you I would take you with me along this journey. And I am keeping that promise to you all. This is the UGLY of the fight for my life with cancer. If you have a weak stomach than don't look at the photos below. I am going to show you what I have to deal with. What my body looks like. What cancer took away from me. It is not pretty but this is the reality that I am living. So MAYBE when you want to say, "It's only temporary" you will think twice before saying it. If you have a weak stomach do not look. I am being open with you all. I am showing you all what I am going through. If you want to comment with something rude than just don't do it. I don't need it. If I see it I have no problem deleting it.
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.Don't go further if you do not want to see the pictures I have posted. This is the ugly truth that I get to live with. Please do not be offended by these pictures. This is part of my journey. An obstacle I have to overcome.
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This is how I look in clothes. I am lopsided. Excuse my mess on my shirt.





This is how I looked wrapped.
What I face every time I take the bandage off.

More of the ugly truth. See how far it goes?

You can't sit here and tell me this is temporary.



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I am a friend of Kyla's. I just read this and it brought tears to my eyes. I am in the same battle as you. I was diagnosed on July 16 of last year and had to undergo a bilateral mastectomy on August 2nd. I feel everything you have said. It is NOT temporary. It is FOREVER. This "too will NOT pass"! Yes, my hair will grow back, my eyelashes and brows will return. But my breasts won't. They are gone forever. Sure, I can get reconstruction, but they aren't MY breasts. In fact, they won't have much feeling at all. Looking at your pictures flooded me with memories. I am five months post-op so the scarring is looking better, but I too have the same scars. I have no feeling on the back of my left arm from my armpit to elbow from the axillary dissection. Yet, when one of my kids bumps it or someone touches my arm, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my shoes. I don't know what else to tell you other than to allow yourself to feel how you feel. Don't make apologies for anything and whatever you choose is RIGHT! Feel friend to "friend" me on Facebook if you ever want to chat. Sincerely, Lisa Schell

Anonymous said...

My name is Marianella Sweet

I’ am a 33 year old who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008. I ‘ am married with a beautiful 7 year old daughter. When I first received the call that I had breast cancer all kinds of fears went through my mind. I was terrified of the thought of not being here to see my daughter grow up. At the moment I found out I had a million questions without answers. The most important question that went through my mind was why me?

As any cancer patient knows once you find out you have it you want to take action immediately, but that was not the case. I was told I had to wait about a month before anything was done and within that time nothing but fear plagued my mind. I was assigned to the South West Portland surgical clinic. I remember calling them and wanting answers unfortunately the surgeon was on vacation and I needed to wait until she returned. I was amazed by their quick response. After speaking with them they had contacted the woman that would be my surgeon, Dr. Frances Ting. Although we knew nothing of each other she took the time from her vacation to call me and give me reassurance that everything would be okay.

There was something about Dr. Ting that made me know in my heart things would be fine. It was the longest few weeks of my life waiting for the appointment that would change my life forever and meeting the Doctor that would become a huge part of my family. The day finally came to meet her and she had open arms and a warm heart that made me feel that if I had to be in this situation she is the one I wanted by my side as my surgeon.

Although I was dealing with cancer I consider myself to be very lucky to have had her to perform the double mastectomy. She is not only an amazing surgeon; she is also an amazing human being. I believe things happen for a reason. Due to meeting her I was introduced to Patty Flores who passed away from cancer in June of 2011. Patty was my friend and her children became my child’s friend as well. We were both very lucky to have been placed in Frances Tings care. I would like to extend huge gratitude to her for all she has done for me and my family and giving me a future with hope instead of fear. The compassion that Dr. Ting showed me inspired me to become more like her wanting to help others in the same way she has helped me. She is the Angel that led me out of the darkness of that terrible word, cancer.

For those who are unfortunate to be diagnosed with such a terrible disease I want you to know that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. My family will always be grateful for Frances and the work she has done but also for her friendship and kindness from that first horrible day.

Keep fighting!!!
Marianella Sweet
Survivor

J.Jones said...

Thank you for sharing your story Marianella Sweet. I am sorry about the loss of your friend but from what you said she fought and even though she is not here today she is a warrior. Thanks ladies.

Kendra Gillilan said...

Thanks for sharing this outfit with others, you are a warrior as well as the others that commented that are going thru such....