Let's face it ,cancer is not pretty at all. It is a nasty illness/disease that people get and it royally sucks. It sucks for the person who got suckered punched in the stomach with the diagnosis and for their family and friends who feel helpless. Sometimes I wish that I am just dreaming a nasty night mare and I will wake up and be like man that dream sucked. But the reality is, is that I do have cancer and I am not dreaming. I am living in one of the worst nightmares ever. Yes I pick up my feet and I keep walking by taking one step at a time but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that it wasn't me. I know/feel that I can beat this but still its going to be one of the hardest battles I will ever have to encounter. After all this is said and done there is nothing that can or will stop me from achieving whatever it is that I want to achieve.
So far with having to face this scary disease I have encountered the good, bad, and some of the ugly. I want to share with you all everything that I am going through. I never promised that it was going to always be good. I do want to try to post positive stuff but lets face it, I will have bad days. I want to share these bad days with you all. I want to show you all the rawness that one deals with. But it wont all be ugly or bad. Battling cancer will not be a cake walk. It will not be easy. I may fall a few times here and there but let me tell you all of your support will help me get right back up and continue to fight.
I have had plenty of people tell me that if I need anything to let them know. If you know me you know how hard it is for me to ask for help for anything! I am trying to figure out ways for those who want to help can help even with being so far away. I do know that my mom is making a few things related to breast cancer and all the money that is made will go to me to help with anything I need help with. Anything that I make from selling items in my shop will help me out as well. I am looking at ways to have people donate if they wish too. I am a single mom of two very special little boys who mean the world to me. It is hard on me and on them. I am not working and I had to stop going to school to focus on getting healthier and fight this cancer. I will post more info when I get it all set up and what not.
So back to my topic. This past weekend was very hard on me. I don't know why but it was. I was very excited that I could lift my left arm up a little more. Since my surgery I haven't had full range of motion with my left arm. I start physical therapy for that here soon! So I took a shower and was hoping that I could finally shave my left armpit (sorry tmi) but I couldn't lift my arm enough to even try. It is weird not being able to feel what you are doing. I am not going to lie I cried. I finished my shower and once I got out I just started bawling. I do not like the fact that I can't do something so simple as just shaving my armpit. I don't like the fact that I can't do a nice stretch when I wake up in the mornings. I do not like being limited. I went from a person who could stretch and shave her armpit to someone who is restricted. It is not easy but I am hoping that I can get back to a somewhat normal range of motion with therapy.So I cried about that! I know childish but it is the truth!
I was just an emotional wreck that day. I thought I had pulled it together by the time that Michael came and got the boys and I but I didn't. I cried on the way to lunch and I cried while we were having lunch. I don't like talking to much about my breast cancer unless I am the one talking about it. I don't want people to look at me as a cancer patient. I want them to look at me as me! I don't think anyone will ever know how much cancer effects a person. I get in my moods when I don't want to talk about anything. I get in my moods when all I want is to just be hugged. I get in moods where I just stare off and I don't even know what I am looking at let alone thinking about. No one will ever know what losing my breast has done to me. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I am uneven on the chest. I will always have my scar right there! Ya I will get to have reconstruction and I will get new breast but the reason why is not how I ever imagined getting new breasts. I had no choice in the removal of my breast. It had to go! I didn't have a choice to say oh lets do chemo and see if it'll shrink. Nope I didn't get to say that. There was no choice because my nipple was involved in the cancer. I can't put into words how upsetting it is to lose a body part. I joke around saying I have a boy chest on the left side and a woman's chest on the right side. I am trying to cope with the loss and it is hard. But it is one step to fighting the cancer.
So Saturday just wasn't my day at all. I just wanted to get out and be busy doing something, anything. Well for some reason we had to be back at my house by 4:30 and I was a bit upset. I didn't want to watch football. I didn't want to be home at all. I wanted to be out and about enjoying what I could. I just didn't know what was so important that we had to be back at 4:30. I was doing my best to be happy. To seem ok but I just wasn't. I was irritated that my day out was cut short but I had a whatever mind set lol. My sister was going back and forth with phone calls and the laptop. Had no idea what was going on. So I ignored it and went on with whatever it was I was doing.
Than one more call and my mom was called to the front room and they took the football game off the TV. They were doing a skype call. I figured they were messing around and I wasn't very please. Well than the picture popped up and it was my family in California! There was a lot of them and they were wearing pink. I still didn't have a clue what was going on. They asked where I was and I went to the computer and said hi. Well it was a surprise skype call for me. My family was showing their support! I am crying as I write this lol because it means so much to me. They wanted to show their support even though we are so far away from each other. They planned the get together and the skype call. I was able to talk to everyone and heard all the words of support and love. It was absolutely amazing. I cried. It touched my heart and I am so happy that I have such an amazing family and such an amazing support group. This is not the first time someone in our family has battled breast cancer. This is the third time that we have battled breast cancer. This is not the only cancer my family has had to battle either. I have a strong line of fighters and survivors in my family and this gives me hope. Hope that I will beat this and join them in the survivor category. I love my family and they are the best. Here are a small amount of photos that I snagged from my cousin Noemi.
Thanks for reading my post. Smile and don't take the little things in life for granted. Take care of yourself because you never know if tomorrow it will turn to the worse.