New Beginnings but hard times

Isn't that just a lovely header huh? New beginnings but hard times....hmmmmm.....let me explain this a bit. Last time I blogged was at the end of February and since then a lot of things have happened. Well it seems like a lot has happened but it may not seem to others.

March 10th I started school! I am taking 3 classes. My first week and a half my anxiety was extremely high! First 3 days of class I didn't want to take my coat off even when I was hot flashing like hell. It bothered me to no end that I worried what my classmates would think of me. What the hell? I hadn't worried about this crap when I was going through my intense chemo so why the hell should I worry about it now?!?!  I have not answer as to why I worried about it but I did. In the end I just didn't care, I took my coat off and if anyone had any issues or comments I was ready for them. I was ready for tons of questions.....still am ready for them. You know what? The questions haven't came and the looks haven't happened! Total strangers looked at me for me!! They saw me as one of them!! Saw ME!! Just ME! Not my cancer but just me!

Do I have a hard time accepting all of me? Everything about me? Yes, I sure do. Do I wish I didn't have to go through this? Do I wish that I don't have to worry about aches and pains? Yes. When will I be able to completely and totally accept myself? When will I stop hurting? To be accepted for who I am when I don't fully accept myself has been an eye opener. Cancer has been a REALLY big UGLY part of my life this past year. I can't seem to get away from it! Everything I write about is my cancer. I don't want it to be such a big part but yet I can't have it not be. Does that make sense?

I hurt and I am pained. I can't take a complement. I say thank you but I don't see what others see. I see a person who is overweight, has a deformed body due to cancer, hair that sucks and a body that is always in pain. YES I am VERY blessed and so grateful that I am still here. But do you all know that I am still fighting? Or do you think that just because my hair has come back that I am no longer fighting any more? Is my cancer less of a worry now then it was last year? No it isn't. I can't stop myself from thinking about my cancer coming back or my cancer spreading. I have to keep myself busy and my mind busy. The moment I am not busy my thoughts come flooding in.

I smile and I do my best to stay positive. I try my best to take control of what I can and sometimes that isn't good. Because I have lost control of my health I have tried to take control of other things in my life and some of it is good and some of it is not so good. I have bad days still and yes they are fewer but still bad. I have days when I want to cry but I have no idea why I want to cry I just know I need too. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed and all I want to do is hide under the covers. BUT I also have days that are good! Days that make me happy. But you know what? The bad days suck so bad and when I feel myself sinking into the black hole or I'm in it, it is hard to get out.

I battle daily with the effects of cancer, treatment and my side effects from my meds. My battle is not over. It hasn't been. I am put together on the outside but if you could just have a mere look at my thoughts you would be astound on what goes on in my head. I keep it together as best as I can for my family.

I am sorry this post isn't a happy one but more of a gloomy and ugly one. I just need to get this off my chest. I still battle with what my cancer has done to me everyday. It hurts to sit down, hurts to walk, my ribs hurt, my sternum hurts, my mastectomy area hurts, my arm hurts, oh and guess what I can't remember how to spell words or which word is the right one like "I" or "eye".....sounds silly right? Seriously this happens to me. I cant spell correctly when I am taking notes in class!

Yes I should look at the bright side of things but you know what? Somethings it is just TOO damn hard to look at the bright side! Somethings I am too stuck in my dark hole that I don't see any bright. Imagine that?!?! It sucks and yes I am angry. To get cancer was in my cards and I know this. I WISH I could go back and bug my first doctor over and over again but I trusted her and it got me no where.

I need control and I want my life back. I don't want to feel stupid because I can't figure out which "I" or "eye" is the correct one to use. I want to have energy again. I want to be a healthy me! I sick and tired of being sick and tired. I promise you that I will write a much happier post.

Until next time.....see you soon and I hope you have a fabulous day.

~Jackie

Hello Strangers!!

I know I am the worst blogger there is out there. I haven't blogged since my BIRTHDAY!! Holy Moley!! One of my followers on Instagram reminded me that I had not blogged in awhile. I have been meaning too but life just gets in the way at times.

What the heck is going on? Well to be completely honest back in December I just became to overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. Michael and I had just bought the house and we were still settling in. Christmas was around the corner and that is just a stresser for me and it always has been. Not only did Christmas stress me but I had orders that needed to get done and OUT in time for Christmas. We all know how the post office gets around that time. So once I finished my orders I just stopped. I didn't even make my family anything, which I try to make them something every year for Christmas. I was sad. Christmas shopping wasn't done 100% but eventually I got that done. The day before Christmas Eve I was up til 3am wrapping gifts. Yes I procrastinated and boy I don't plan on doing that again! On Christmas Eve I had my chemo. I was tired afterwards and in pain from my back. So I took a muscle relaxer and ended up sleeping a little.

I had a great time at chemo on Christmas Eve. I made all the Nurses and receptionists a little gift with two candy canes in a box. They all loved them! I felt like a rock star at this Chemo. My mom, baby sister and one of my long time best friend was there with me!!

We had a great time. We laughed and it was non stop talking. I had not seen Jenny is such a long time it was really nice to see her and hang out with her. You see Jenny and I met when we went to Medical Assisting School back in 2005 when I was only 21. We clicked and the rest is history lol. I was married to my first husband and she was still dating her now husband. I moved to GA and she stood back here in WA. Then they moved to KY I believe. We are now both in the same State! We still love far from each other BUT we are closer than we have been for a few years! My little sister Sonia had never been to one of my Chemos. She has seen what the effects of it has done to me but I think being there and experiencing it is a whole lot different. It was just nice to have all 3 of these wonderful people with my on Christmas Eve. Thank you for being there with me! 

My Family. Only missing my Niece

On New Years Eve we didn't do much. Michael was sick and not feeling to well. We didn't want to go and get everyone else sick. Even though my boys wanted to see their grandparents I was just to nervous about driving back with all the drunks on the road. So we stood home got some poppers and Cj his "special wine" aka sparkling cider, he loved it! 

I had a Muga Scan done and it showed that the Herceptin was slowly taking it's toll on my heart. It wasn't rapid but it was a steady decline every three months. When I went in for chemo in January I was told I was on a two month chemo break to make sure that my heart could repair itself. I also found out that I will be getting a monthly Lupron shot, ugh, they hurt!! I wasn't so sure I was completely happy about this two month break. It is just very weird. It is one thing to go from having chemo weekly to every three week as I am sure my pink sisters understand what I am talking about and how to wrap your mind around and adjust. 

On January 16th I had my chest and pelvis ct scan done and ya you bet I was nervous. I had to take a prep at home an it wasn't to bad at all! When I went into the room for the CT scan a calm just overcame me. I wasn't worried, I just wanted to get this done and over with. I wanted to know the result and I wanted to know them now!  I got the result later on that evening!! Here is what the results read: No evidence of metastatic disease within the chest, abdominal or pelvis!! I was in shock and happy. I had to have a few of my medical friends read the results and let me know if I was seeing this correctly. They confirmed it. I was awesome, amazing....you name it that was me!

A few days after my CT scan I got sick. I got a "virus" of some sort. It was really scary for me. I had a temp of 102.something and I went straight to the er. They ran a bunch of tests and I left with my dx as being a virus. While at the er I met TWO pink sisters who worked there. That was really nice. I love meeting survivors it is very encouraging and gives a lot of hope. So I went and just let this "virus" run its course and I was drained!!

Oh I forgot to mention that we added a new addition to the family!! We got a dog! A beautiful Siberian Husky and her name is Willow 

She is a handful and drives me crazy but she is our fur baby. So not only did we get a dog we also put my oldest son in Krav Maga. He has been having kids not being so nice to him and we had to find a way for him to be able to filter his emotions out some way so we signed him up! We got him a haircut to help boost his confidence and went through his clothes and separated play clothes and school clothes. He is doing great in his Krav Maga and he has seriously grown up more. My poor kid has been through so much his his short 6 years of life.

Speaking of life a lot has happened with some of my pink sisters and it hurts me deeply. I found out that one of our pink sisters passed away (I miss her dearly), may she rest in paradise, and I cried and was angry. That same day I found out another pink sister's cancer had spread!! Why, why, why?!?!?! I just couldn't believe it. Why is this happening to my sisters?!?! Haven't we been through enough? Cant we all just win this damn battle? Last month I found out that two more pink sister's cancers spread as well. I just can not believe it. Cancer is a crazy disease with a mind of its own and it does change and advance in our bodies. I worry constantly about my breast cancer but I don't let it consume me. I know my pink sisters are strong fighters and I have faith they will fight very hard. Life is precious and one doesn't realize it until its being threaten.

Back in January my friend Sam asked me to speak to her friend because her daughter was diagnose with cancer at the age of 6. I talked to her and still do but I cried when I found out her daughter had gain her wings. Please know that ALL cancer sucks and we need a cure for all of them No one cancer is easier or better to get. Cancer SUCKS. YOU DO NOT WANT IT! Cancer takes from you and dealing with it does form friendship but I wish it was in another way if that makes sense.

Ok so back to everything, I went off the edge a bit. So I am still recovering for the lingering cough of the "virus" I had. I am not coughing up anything so that is good, just means I am stuck with an annoying dry cough! 

My two month chemo break didn't end up being two months more like 1 1/2 month. I had my muga scan (heart scan) earlier this month and my heart had fixed itself and went up on the ejection fraction (the amount at which your heart pumps blood out). So on the 25th of this month I saw my oncologist and he sent me up to get my chemo! I am back at my every 3 weeks herceptin. I asked him about my scan and he said no evidence of disease and not even in my spine!! AMAZING! But like I said before I still worry about it coming back!

I am trying to start school here on March 10th! So we shall see. I need to have some control back in my life! I need to get back on track! It is time to live even more! This year is MY YEAR. I will not let cancer take anything away. I will continue to pray for all my pink sisters and for our health. My brain needs to get its exercise and hopefully chemo brain wont mess me up. It has effected me, I get so upset when I cant figured out what I am trying to say because my brain just isn't working.

I believe I have updated you all! Sorry for being such a crappy blogger but I appreciate all your love, support and prayers!

Cancer can suck it!

SuperBowl Champs! Go Seahawks!!

Love this Girl!