Saturday, April 5, 2014

New Beginnings but hard times

Isn't that just a lovely header huh? New beginnings but hard times....hmmmmm.....let me explain this a bit. Last time I blogged was at the end of February and since then a lot of things have happened. Well it seems like a lot has happened but it may not seem to others.

March 10th I started school! I am taking 3 classes. My first week and a half my anxiety was extremely high! First 3 days of class I didn't want to take my coat off even when I was hot flashing like hell. It bothered me to no end that I worried what my classmates would think of me. What the hell? I hadn't worried about this crap when I was going through my intense chemo so why the hell should I worry about it now?!?!  I have not answer as to why I worried about it but I did. In the end I just didn't care, I took my coat off and if anyone had any issues or comments I was ready for them. I was ready for tons of questions.....still am ready for them. You know what? The questions haven't came and the looks haven't happened! Total strangers looked at me for me!! They saw me as one of them!! Saw ME!! Just ME! Not my cancer but just me!

Do I have a hard time accepting all of me? Everything about me? Yes, I sure do. Do I wish I didn't have to go through this? Do I wish that I don't have to worry about aches and pains? Yes. When will I be able to completely and totally accept myself? When will I stop hurting? To be accepted for who I am when I don't fully accept myself has been an eye opener. Cancer has been a REALLY big UGLY part of my life this past year. I can't seem to get away from it! Everything I write about is my cancer. I don't want it to be such a big part but yet I can't have it not be. Does that make sense?

I hurt and I am pained. I can't take a complement. I say thank you but I don't see what others see. I see a person who is overweight, has a deformed body due to cancer, hair that sucks and a body that is always in pain. YES I am VERY blessed and so grateful that I am still here. But do you all know that I am still fighting? Or do you think that just because my hair has come back that I am no longer fighting any more? Is my cancer less of a worry now then it was last year? No it isn't. I can't stop myself from thinking about my cancer coming back or my cancer spreading. I have to keep myself busy and my mind busy. The moment I am not busy my thoughts come flooding in.

I smile and I do my best to stay positive. I try my best to take control of what I can and sometimes that isn't good. Because I have lost control of my health I have tried to take control of other things in my life and some of it is good and some of it is not so good. I have bad days still and yes they are fewer but still bad. I have days when I want to cry but I have no idea why I want to cry I just know I need too. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed and all I want to do is hide under the covers. BUT I also have days that are good! Days that make me happy. But you know what? The bad days suck so bad and when I feel myself sinking into the black hole or I'm in it, it is hard to get out.

I battle daily with the effects of cancer, treatment and my side effects from my meds. My battle is not over. It hasn't been. I am put together on the outside but if you could just have a mere look at my thoughts you would be astound on what goes on in my head. I keep it together as best as I can for my family.

I am sorry this post isn't a happy one but more of a gloomy and ugly one. I just need to get this off my chest. I still battle with what my cancer has done to me everyday. It hurts to sit down, hurts to walk, my ribs hurt, my sternum hurts, my mastectomy area hurts, my arm hurts, oh and guess what I can't remember how to spell words or which word is the right one like "I" or "eye".....sounds silly right? Seriously this happens to me. I cant spell correctly when I am taking notes in class!

Yes I should look at the bright side of things but you know what? Somethings it is just TOO damn hard to look at the bright side! Somethings I am too stuck in my dark hole that I don't see any bright. Imagine that?!?! It sucks and yes I am angry. To get cancer was in my cards and I know this. I WISH I could go back and bug my first doctor over and over again but I trusted her and it got me no where.

I need control and I want my life back. I don't want to feel stupid because I can't figure out which "I" or "eye" is the correct one to use. I want to have energy again. I want to be a healthy me! I sick and tired of being sick and tired. I promise you that I will write a much happier post.

Until next time.....see you soon and I hope you have a fabulous day.



Scarletbfrog said...

Ugly post or not, I am glad you got , what I am assuming, a small fraction of your feelings out! I'm glad you are throwing this out there. Though it is important to stay positive, it is just as important to throw out the "ugly" as much as you can.
Please don't mistake this though. I am sorry you're having rough times. I hate that you are! Just glad that you're opening up. Xoxo I love girl!

Patty Martin said...

Omgoodness girl you have had a rough time this past year, you have every right to not be happy go-lucky all the time, to not smile every day. You have feelings and they're not always happy ones, be real my friend, you are a person, NOT a machine!! Feel what you want and let it out as Sam said, be real!

And yes you're not at all happy with how your life has turned out, but there's always the other side, you're still here and alive and breathing and yes that's a good thing!

We love to hear from you happy or not, becuz we love you and care deeply about you.

Everyone is here for you and always will be! Just be who YOU are sweetheart! <3

Love you,


J.Jones said...

Thanks @scareltbfrog you assumed right this is just a small fraction of my feelings. It has been a long time since I posted and I did want it to be a happy one but as I started typing my emotions and feelings just took over. Sometimes I just need to get real even if it isn't all rainbows, butterflies, sparkles and unicorns.

Thank you so much for always being there for me. I love you too girl and miss you a whole lot!

J.Jones said...

Thank you so much Patty! I am not a machine and I do not smile every day. I think people think that I should smile everyday but I often wonder if people forget that I am human even though I have lovely chemicals put into me. At the end of the day I am still Jackie not some kind of damn machine.

I am a happy person but like my therapist has told me when you are in survival mode the negative stick and the good just falls off like Teflon. I am in survival mode and have been for what seems like FOREVER....even before cancer when my ex decided to leave.

I want to feel normal and be who I am with no pains but that will never come. Love you too Patty!