I can't even put into words the sadness that I am feeling right now. My thoughts are all over the place. Mariana has a son who is maybe a little bit older than Jamison (3) and a family. My heart hurts for her son and her family she left behind. I didn't know Mariana personally but she has rooted me on with my battle. I knew her through Instagram as how I have met MANY of my pink sisters there. It hurts when one of our Pink Sisters loses the battle. It is not fair but a lot of things in life are just not fair. I will continue to pray for us all and for a cure so not one has to deal with this. Mariana thank you for being apart of my life for the short amount of time. You impacted me, cheered me on and gave me hope when I was feeling down. Watch over us all we will miss you greatly.
This is a first for me to be sadden by a lost of someone I didn't know personally but who touched my heart greatly. As I was looking through FaceBook right before my chemo I saw one of my Pink Sisters mention Mariana in a post and than about another fellow Pink Sister. I found out that my Pink Sister Tina's breast cancer has spread to her liver!! It is a very difficult day. Just like Mariana I do not know Tina in person but through instagram and facebook. As my Pink Sister Regina said this afternoon, "the only good thing that comes from Breast Cancer is the friendships that you make' with other Breast Cancer Survivors. We are in this together!! Pink Sister Norma said on instagram we are holding our hands tightly together today. We will not fight this battle alone. Tina keep fighting a strong fight! I will pray for you girl! Thank you for being part of my life.
Being able to tell me feelings about the events that are happening today I am finding some comfort. This is my outlet. As I was doing chemo today and reflecting on everything going on it was very and still is very hard to stay positive. I am scared SHITLESS about my PET scan that I am suppose to have this month! When will we find a cure? I am already at Stage 4 Breast Cancer. Just like all my Pink Sisters we WANT to have wonderful results from our PET Scans but some of us do not get those. I am scared! I KNOW that I need to have tons of more Faith in God when it comes to this but right now I am just so scared. I am sad for the loss of Mariana, I am pissed off that Tina's Cancer spread, and I hate CANCER. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!! Please continue to pray for all of us. Prayers help so much.
After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words
For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.
For all of you who are dealing with cancer whether it be you battling, a family member or a friend be there for them! Be a friend who makes time to see them not a friend who only sees them when they see the battle getting worse. Spend time because we (cancer patients) don't know how our battle is going to end. Don't end up being that person that wishes they would of spent more time after their loved one has left this Earth, be there for them NOW! The battle is HARD and I think it is HARDER when you are not going to treatments every day or every week. Trying to get back to as much of a "normal life" as one can. The transition is hard. Be there for them! Don't have any regrets! Support and being there means so much. All I can say is do enough to be there for them to be able to say if they don't win the battle that you where there for them and have no regrets.
I know that I get in moods when I "fall off" and what I mean by that is I just wake up and do what I need to do and than go to bed at night. Times when I feel like I am in a void of nothingness. There are times that I wish my closest of friends lived close to me so I could tell them "Hey can you come over and just be here with me because I am having a hard time." I don't get that pleasure because all of my closest of friends live ALL OVER the United States. I have a hard time building relationships and it is hard for me to trust people because of past failed friendships. I do keep myself away from opening up a lot. It is only because I am scared of getting hurt. One day I will be able to have a friend or friends who live close by that will be here for me. That will say I am coming over and we are going to hang out whether you want to or not. I miss my friends. I love facebook because I see all my friends who live far away. To my friends all over the US, my pink sisters and to my new friends I will do my best to be a better friend.
In the end remember that a cancer patient doesn't always know the end of their battle. I will end this with a quote from one of my pink sisters who left this comment on my facebook, " While some of us will certainly lose our battles, many more of us will not only survive, but thrive!"